A Severe Mercy

22 Wishes.

2012-02-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

Let me escape to my tired head.
Let me escape to these beautiful melancholic tunes.
As I lay down to rest, memories overflow and spill out
down off my bed and onto the floor.

The laughter we share.
The sound of your voice.
The kind words you speak.
Your gentle touch.
A hug, a kiss, a gift.

How beautiful life is.
And it's moments like these,
when Love is breaking through these hollowed caves
and placing light in these tired eyes.

Saying, "I hold you on the joyest of days."
"I hold you on the lonely days."
"I hold you on the laughing days."
"I hold you on the teary days."
"I hold you in the moments you encounter beauty- so wonderful and pure."
"I hold you on the days you are left alone, used, marked and abused."
"I hold you."

I am reminded.

And I can honestly recall days where I thought I was so alone.
Only myself to carry and hold.
But looking back, I find you were always there, holding me.

It's days like these I remember how beautiful life can be.
The joy of it all, the beauty of it all- Life.
And I am filled, so full, so happy, so deliriously joyful and tired and silly.

And there is one thing I know I can trust in always,
You- my home.

Cheers to being 22.

Hope.

2012-01-30T19:50:00.001-08:00

These little moments are strung together in mind.

So many little moments

of healing, of truth, of love, of assurance.

Your laughter, your beauty, your tears.

Burned into my memory, I pray I never forget you.

When you held me.

When you said, “I forgive you.”

When you said, “You’re beautiful just as you are, just like this, with all your tears and all your mess.”

When you gave and sacrificed your all.

When you said, “I love you.”

When you said, “It was never your burden to carry.”

Hope you found me,

I didn’t see it then in my fear, in my uncertainty, in my sadness.

But Hope you were there.

In the desolate crevices of my soul, in the cracks and brokenness- hope.

I see it now.

And Grace captures me, finding me over and over again.

Grace so graciously given allows hope to live in me.

When you freed me.

When you said, “I am enough.”

When you said, “it wasn’t your fault.”

Even in the darkest, most tainted broken sin,

Even in the shame that runs rampant, you say

“I love you still.”

And these people we love so deeply

And this God I’ve come to know so true.

To remain in the truth is so difficult.

To remain in His love, a fight.

Yet it never leaves, never can I hide.

But there I go again walking with my limp

There I go again walking with my pride.

Grace still finds me says so sweetly,

“Love is here and hope is on your side.”

My jilted lover, I’ll come back to the altar.

When I decide.

And these people we love so deeply.

Such a joy and pain to know love in this way.

And this God I’ve come to know so true.

He requires so much, my all.

Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Not sure if those are steps I’m willing to take.

But these moments all collide in my mind.

Still photos of my yesterdays’

And I’m reminded redemption is on my side.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp9i_vjjxQQ&feature=colike

In that place....there's a portrait of you.

2011-12-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

You left us right before I left this place for a new one- a short trip- of course I had to come back.

But I traveled overseas to get there and I was only eighteen when I went, right after you left.
If I could talk to you, I know you'd be proud of me.

I remember as I walked across France from different pastry shops, downed so many baguettes and crepes, and drank all the sparklingly water I could drink;

I found you.

Yes you left us, it was your time to go, but I found you. I gazed upon countless paintings and sculptures, and then there was one that stood out among the rest. This portrait in museum on the other side of the world; how could it be you?

It captured me, brought me to tears, there you were forever safe in that painting.

And then I forgot....

Sometimes when you loose someone you love so dearly it's easier to forget, to not recall. It's how I heal, how I let go, how I numb the pain of loss.

But today I found myself silently giddy as I stared at some of the most beautiful and some of my favorite pieces of Monet, Degas, Picasso at a place much closer to home- where memories of you are.

And it struck me...three years later, the portrait I had found, I remembered it.

How would you feel if you knew about us?
How we are now- the family that is.
Were you are glue that held us together?

I miss you.

But I know you're somewhere across the sea, framed in a portrait staring out at the world while others are staring at you.

And I'm so glad I found you right after you left and I'll try not to forget you anymore.
Because you give me hope for us.

P.S. I'm going to New York soon, I know you lived there for a while, I wish I could hear your stories about the city, I wish I could remember the stories you told me....but know I'll still be thinking of you while I'm there...

Your grandbaby,
Lynette

To the ones I love..

2011-12-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

There is a swelling in my heart of immense gratitude.
There are countless people in my life who have touched me, moved me, comforted me, affirmed me, held me, accepted me, challenged me and for all these things I am grateful.

I think it's quite human to loose sight of what is sometimes right in front of us; that's where I have been. But as I've had time to breathe, take a few steps out of the chaos and rest, I see more and more clearly how am incredibly blessed I am.

I wish I could a make a list of the countless memories, laughs, tears, and joys I have experienced, but I think there would be too many to recount.

But truly this life has been laden with joy in sorrow, peace in chaos, love in animosity. In all these things, with the wonderful people who have surrounded me, laughed with me, rallied for me, confronted me, comforted me, and loved me, I am grateful.

Each of you reside in my heart in some way.

Merry Christmas to the ones I love...

Dove

2011-12-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

So the music plays an old familar tune.
She listens.
Guitar rolls so gently, the beating of the drum.
and like times long ago,
She moves.

Finds the steps to once forgotten dreams.
Remembers this what makes her believe.
Such a beautiful thing.
this movement of freedom.
Freedom.

Freedom it brings
to her soul
to her spirit
in everything.

Hands sway as smooth as an ocean breeze,
feet taps and moves to the steady beat.
Over and over again, the song she loves
singing
Freedom.

Freedom.
from hurt
from wounds
from melancholic days.

And it's as natural as breathing,

As natural as her heart beating
to ever stop this kind of dreaming-
a determiment to her soul.

So she takes those first steps
moving towards what she knows,
finding freedom in this refuge.

No one sees her dancing
her soul alone
and she is home.

She adds Beauty.

2011-12-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

from a plain white wall
a mosaic of photos
friends, family, loved ones.
oh, she adds beauty

to your desolate soul
oh, you desert wanderer
you're searching for a home
oh, she adds beauty

when you're basking in the scorching sun
when the race has you out run
she adds beauty

to your pain- a numbing balm
to soothe your lonesome days
she adds beauty

to your vacant eyes
and tired sighs
oh, yes! She adds beauty

with fits of laughter;
inside you rage.

She is your untouched, unblemished, wondrous gaze
fixated are you on the beauty of her face.

She adds beauty from afar

and you long, oh yes! You Long
for her near.

Cry.

2011-11-20T23:43:00.000-08:00

I cry for the forgotten.
the unloved.
and abused.

I cry for the voiceless
the lame
and the sick.

I cry for the broken
the mourning
the heavy heart.

I cry for the guilty
the shamed
the wounded.

I cry for the lonely
the rejected
and the unwanted.

I cry for the depressed
the grieved
the hopeless.

I cry for the displaced
the alone
and the weary.

I cry for the broken.
I cry for you,
I cry for me.

Oh, what a shame, the world we have made.
What a place to be born to.
the absence of Love.
I cry, but what does it do?

Oh my hurt hearts for me and for you.
Compassion bleeds and empathy fills-water to a cup.

I spill.
I spill.
I spill.

All for the hope of Love.

"Come Love, come fill me." I plead.
"...to know my suffering is the joy of loving me."

"But what does it mean? Tell me, Love, what does it mean?"

Holy Hands

2011-11-20T23:34:00.000-08:00

I study your hands,
do you see?
They are tanned and marked.
Dirt buried in between
your hard nail and soft skin.

I study your hands- the hands of Love.
I see your scars, painfully marked.
Sturdy love holds me
and welcomes me just as I am.

My Love bids me, "Come."
Contentment and Joy births within.
To follow you, what a joy, what a choice, my closest friend.

Oh sturdy love finds me
and never lets go.

A sturdy Love with holy hands to hold.

Words.

2011-11-20T20:04:00.001-08:00

I was once told that beauty can be found in brokenness like the fragmented pieces of glass that create a mosaic- the most beautiful of masterpieces.

Today I made a mosaic of my own- a mosaic of Words.
Words are my love. They stick to me, cling to me, I remember words, most.

And as I created my mosaic, marking times of old and times of new,
a child's song found me again.

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

A sad defense to be sure, because I've learned words hurt, they carry power, they wound.

So now, I write again, as I always do.
Remember words are my love....my joy....my peace.

"And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us and we beheld his glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth."

Words made manifest, ink to a page, forever written, you cannot stop these words.
I carry these words in my heart, how strange to think I love them so.
But these words are words of truth, kindness.
These words are words of love.
A note, a card, a letter from that old friend, a lost one, my best one too.

So I look upon this mosaic of love, of friends stretching across decades, all writing to me.
How beautiful the truth they speak, whispering to me through out my day,
"You are loved. You are beautiful. You are lovely."

All these words to remind me of the truth.

Words carry the potential to heal; to speak Love into the hearts of broken ones,
Words speak volumes to me.

They are power.
Just as He spoke and creation came to be.
So I look lovingly on this sweet mosaic.
Trusting such words of truth,
I carry them, guiding me, assuring me ultimately of His Love.

Words will always be written on the tablet of my heart.

Belonging.

2011-11-15T00:12:00.000-08:00

"come here hold my heart you
and tell me what it's for."

uninhibited, untied, free. free. free.

"Oh but is it free? Can you tell? it roams wild but it's weighed down.
How strange this matter to have it bounce from here to there to everywhere and yet it's so heavy. heavy. heavy."

here to there...from moons to stars to galaxies and afar... so my heart goes, where it may please.
oh but it cannot breathe.

too much space, and no air.
My heart is sentenced to suffocate, it's slowly dying yet I believe my heart to roam free.
Free? free??

and inside this heart a vacuous hole, too grand, I cannot sustain.

Oh love, hem me in, behind and before.
I know not what is good for me.

Prone to wander.
I feel it.
Prone to leave the One I love.
Take my heart, take and seal it.
Seal it for thy courts above.

Anchor this heart to you my Love
-this wandering heart roaming free in captivity.

Solemn Days

2011-10-31T20:01:00.001-07:00

give me your arms
but never your heart.
give me your words
whispered tenderly to me,
but never your promise
that you won't leave.

give me your warmth
on the coldest of days.
But never your love;
we shall never speak of your love.

I say these words, knowing what is true.
If you ever leave me,
your love would too.
so give me all that you are-
the mess and mire clay

but never your love
never your heart
never.
Not now, tomorrow, not today.

But what I would give to rest this tired head
on your steady chest.
your heart of love beating- playing a tune
--sweet lullaby of the happiest sound--
love, what I would give for you to hold me, console me, and say,
"sleep you, close those tired eyes and rest."

oh you.
oh you.

Writing...

2011-10-22T22:08:00.001-07:00

Writing allows me to be me- no pretense, no pretend, no fixing, or editing, or being neat. My writing is just that: me- all that is me, my messiness, my worries, my confessions, my sadness, my joys, my odes to loved one, my hopes, my dreams, my fears- me and all that lies therein. I write honestly. My most raw and honest confessions are writings only my eyes have seen; like the deep, dank, and unknown crevices of my heart are those words scribbled onto a page. Those words are a existential extended manifestation of me. So I write what it is I am-what I feel, believe, predict, hope for in these brief moments of time. Though the present is always subject to change, though I am always changing, and change will be; this writing helps me sort through where I am and who I am today, simply Lynette.

And my writing today will turn to a memory of my yesterdays; a reminder of where I was once existed in time and space.

And the most beautiful thing to see in my writing, as I reflect and reread old passages, is the hand of God- the God who is outside time itself- the eternal King. To see His faithfulness in the midst of uncertainty, pain and doubt, His love in the joyful seasons, His tender touch carrying me all the days of my life, is to encounter His grace with paper and ink.

And this is why I love to write; for heaven kisses earth as my pen touches paper, in all that I am, all that is me, Emmanuel loves.

He tends.

2011-10-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks I've been feeling kind of like a mess. I'm sure almost any girl could understand, bad hair day after bad hair day it felt like. I knew my hair was in dire need of a haircut. My face kept breaking out, not so pretty and my toes were also in much of a pedicure. I've also been stressed, as there, are truly not enough hours in the day for all the things I need to do, want to do. So my back has also been in pain.

Day after day trudging along, trying to stay on top of all my homework, job commitments, social commitments, Jesus time, all the while negating needed sleep, rest, any sabbath and ultimately taking care of myself.

And somehow in the midst of the crazy busy schedules, the studying, the reading, the writing, more writing, more reading etc. God saw my needs and tended to them.

A pedicure from my sweet Sarina, while I read for homework, we also did facials.
A most delightful and needed massage for my aching neck from my dear Bethany.
A haircut from my mother and then her making a homemade facial for me. I also painted my nails.
And perhaps these are all womanly things, so be it, they were needed. And so this morning as I woke up happy, recognizing that He saw I needed some TLC and tended to me through my loving friends and family. And now I don't feel so much a mess, and I am bit more rejuvenated for the mess that is life. :)

I wonder...

2011-08-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

Life is so tragically beautiful, I’ve come to find. Looking out at these majestic waves, you’d never think such beauty could do such harm. You’d never think a little boy would get caught in them. A lifeguard to the rescue, there to save him, he’s alright, but it could have been worse, thank God it wasn’t.

As I stare at these seas I wonder how many oceans my eyes will embrace, how many times my hands will take hold of the sand, attempting to count each grain, realizing his thoughts towards me are more than these.

I wonder if I’ll take courage to embark on those seas- adventures waiting for me. I wonder what other shores I’ll walk upon, other oceans I’ll play in. How many towns, cities, cultures, how many glorious mountains and grand trees, how much beauty will I see…I wonder…How many sunsets and sunrises will this life allot to me.

I wonder where I’ll fall in love, if I ever will, where will this life take me?

I wonder of the people I am still to meet, love, and loose.

I wonder of the places I will call home, fall in love with and never want to go.

I wonder of those I love and know now. Where will we be?

Life can only be lived one day at a time. Still, life is so tragically beautiful.

I wonder of the brokenness I will encounter,

I wonder of the love I will find and share.

...I wonder…

Hiding Place

2011-07-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

these days
sometimes all you need is a quite place to call home.
rest your head and breathe.
stop listening to all the things you're suppose "to do."
quiet your heart and listen to your soul;
rest your pretty head and breathe.
find the things that bring you joy
like reading a book,
playing a tune,
writing a song,
saying a prayer.
and listen to your soul as it seeks peace.

because the world demands so much;
for you to have it all, to be everything you can be.
sometimes I beat myself up, sometimes I'm my worst enemy;
but I believe in grace, in peace, and in love.
so I breathe knowing this is just temporary.
temporary.
temporary
and I pick up where I left off,
breathing and believing there is hope after all
in Christ my hiding place.

Life is art.

2011-07-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

you're some kind of portrait
a beauty, a mona lisa to be sure
others would gather for miles
just to stare at that mona lisa smile

you're a statue of David
a vision of power
one cannot overcome you
handsome just as you are.
the way you stand-
solid and firm, protecting.
A man of your word.

And then there is an
innocent boy in blue
silly and filled with laughter.
giggles as he rolls on the ground.
but in stillness,
you're a painting of child
captured from days long ago.

you light up the stage,
a ballerina dancer,
taken and stilled by the hand of a sculptor, Degas.
But in life your moves are fluid
and your hands are like doves
ever so gently moving,
flowing.

All these my eyes have seen,
a portrait, a sculpture, a painting.
captured my heart in some way
and really life is art...a story behind each face;
waiting to be captured and put on display.

Surrender: to give (oneself) up into the power of another...

2011-07-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

I guess it's a surrender, a trusting of some sort, a learning to let things go.
I find I am brought to this place over and over again. I think it's also a testing.
This place of surrender, of trust, of letting go, re-trusting, and letting go again, well it's not a simple path to follow, but who ever said it was?
But we as people, as Christians, are called to follow, obey, and trust.
Not easy.
The notion of controlling my own destiny seems most appealing, I'll admit.
At one point in time I wanted to know, I wanted a timeline of when this would happen or that would happen,
I wanted answers, I wanted things my way, I wanted control.
As I learn to trust, which feels more like a process- of surrender, trusting, letting things go,
re-trusting, and surrendering more- I realize my plan, my control, my ideals are boring and small in the grand scale of things.

I wrote down all the things I absolutely wanted to do in my life, no if and's or but's. I filled half a page.
In my mind they all seemed like monstrous mountains to be climbed, and maybe they're just that,
but as looked at my half a page list, I realized they were also incredibly small.
Why were they so monstrous you ask? Because I downsized my God.
I started to put labels like: money, finances, loans, career, comfort, ideals, wants, hopes,
all before Him.
Trust me they're plenty of things I would like to happen, but all those seem like far-fetched dreams,
they didn't make it on my half list page because they didn't seem plausible.
I downsized my God.
And I didn't put all the things I really desire to be on that list because I didn't want to disappoint myself
or have regrets later on.
In limiting my God (though that can never truly be done), I also limited myself, downsizing my ambitions because I believed myself to be inadequate, unprepared, incompetent, and so uncertain. Perhaps I was putting a little to much faith in my ability...in me.

So here I am again- trusting, letting go, surrendering, and moving forward in faith in a God who can do immeasurably more than
all I ask, hope, dream and desire.
Praise Him.

Lynette Alegria

Scars

2011-07-21T18:56:00.001-07:00

Scars aren't pretty things.
But I like them for the meaning they carry.
So I wear my scars proudly,
humbly knowing I am damaged & imperfect.

They're proof that we as people are broken.
We all bleed, we all hurt, we all are marked.
All is not as it should be.

Whether these scars are made my accident
or some strategic planning;
they are meant to remind us,
to humble us.

For we are not invincible.
We can be wounded.
Things do go wrong.
But they also show that we are
capable of enduring pain,
And of all these things
the most hope-giving truth
a scar can bring:
We are capable of healing.

So wear your scars proudly
knowing the hurts you've overcome.
And wear them with humility
knowing, in some way, we are all broken.

And maybe, just maybe
we are meant for more
than just wounds & scars.

Street Flower

2011-07-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today I found a flower

lying in the street;

petals of brilliant orange

and a stem of light green.

My heart could not pass it by,

though others must have saw.

They only left it there die,

yet I saw so much more.

I picked it up from its street's grave;

sewage covered its pretty side.

But I cleaned it off with the fresh waters of new life.

I brought it to work and put it on display,

There upon my desk, others began to say:

"That's such a pretty flower, Did you bring it here today?"

"Why yes I found this flower in the streets of L.A."

Others had left it to rot and die;

But I couldn't leave it, no, I cleaned it,

and gave it a chance at life.

Self-Serving:serving one's own interests often in disregard of the truth or the interests of others

2011-06-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

I finally have some precious time to sit, think, and write what it is I feel my soul has been feeling and trying to tell me. The phrase “self-serving” has been resonating through my mind for the past week or so.

Self-serving.
Self-serving.
Self-serving.

That’s what my head keeps telling me.
Perhaps it’s because I see all around me, in myself, in my family.
I live in a self-serving nation, a nation built on competition, nine to five living, money, money, money. We buy our vehicles, we purchase our Grande latte’s, we pursue our dreams, we buy our expensive clothing, we cover our faces, we workout, we purchase whatever our heart desires. We do what we can to make ourselves feel better, look better, and act better. You name it; we do it, everything to "fix ourselves.”
Note the ourselves.*
It’s all about us, it’s all about me.
But I find the more I live in this cycle the more I see my hearts discontent found in a world of a self-serving humanity. Clearly we are trying to aid ourselves in some way; perhaps to deeper enlightenment, healing, understanding. I do not believe the answer is found in us.
Still is it not obvious that somehow we are all searching? Is it not obvious that somehow this world is broken?
And as I have pursued this self-serving nature- this false belief that my highest aim in life is to be happy.
I find this too is self-serving.
And ultimately self-defeating.

Truthfully, my heart is discontent.
Perhaps you could hype this up to ingratitude. It’s a very really possibility that
“I just don’t see everything that’s been given to me. I don’t realize how good I have it.”
But I don’t think that is it at all. I get it; I have been so abundantly blessed. I truthfully live like a princess. The fact that I can even type this out, freely share my thoughts, only goes to show the wonderful privileged life I’ve been born to.

But the point I am trying to make is another.
Another phrase that floats through my mind:
“I’ve been made for so much more. I don’t want this kind of living.”
Because this kind of living is empty, sad, and lonely.
My highest aim, my greatest joy should be to serve.
And to serve others-not myself.
Because there is no hope when the world turns it eyes from the hurting and places their sight on themselves.
I am admittedly guilty of this.
So now my heart lies open in wanting more, but in a way much different than the life I’ve been given.
I live to serve and delight in such.
This is my hearts cry.
So now I genuinely hope that I will respond to such a cry, divert my eyes from myself, and rise to action…

We will see if I am courageous enough...

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

Philippians 2:3-4

Running for Freedom? Flying in a Cage?

2011-04-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

Running for Freedom?

Sweat dripping…
Drip
Drip
Drip.
Down my brow.

I’m trying to make this work. I keep running, keep pressing onward. I had been ignoring my hearts cries for a while. Instead I said, “I can do this. I don’t want to deal with that.” To have my heart lay bare- open to the possibility of hurt, anger, wounds. I never want that. But sometimes the things you most need aren’t the things you really want. I wanted comfort. I wanted to run from this issue.

Drip
Drip
Drip.
Down my temples.

Why aren’t I getting anywhere? And then! As if a sign from God, or so I thought, an outlet from all this appeared.) It’s funny though how you can read all the signs and think you’ve got it all right, got everything figured out. My I’s nicely dotted my T’s beautiful crossed. When really you’ve got it all wrong.)

The worst part is I’ve used my faith to run from the issues at hand. I used “Missions” as an escape to deal with some serious heart issues. So what did God do? He wore me down, and spoke so quietly to my heart, “Lynette, why are you running?”

Drip
Drip
Drip.
Still running.

Why am I still not getting anywhere?

And then CRASH! Face plant down, hands attempt to catch my fall. Really no luck there, I am a wretched fool.

You see I had applied to be apart of apart of program this summer to go to Vietnam to teach conversational English. (refer to “My love goes Free” October 2010.) And once accepted onto the program I was dead set.
I’m the kind of girl that once I really commit to something; I don’t give up on it.
Vietnam was the goal I was running towards. Now this is all well and good; wanting to live missionally, traveling the world as my heart desires so.
But in the process of pursuing Vietnam I was neglecting the long avoided issues at home.
Had I gone overseas this summer, I would have been away from home for about six weeks; plenty of time to avoid everything I feared most.
I thought I could find freedom in traveling the world and working with the Vietnamese people but, really you could have stuck me anywhere in the universe-my heart would still have been trapped.

So here’s a little analogy:
I believe myself to like a bird.
And I realize that I am created for freedom- not to be caged.

You see my running was more like flying. I was flapping my wings.

Flap
Flap
Flap.

Getting absolutely nowhere because all this time I’ve thought myself to be flying around freely. When really I was flapping my wings around in a cage.

Flap
Flap
Flap.

I wonder how silly that must of looked.

Flap
Flap
Flap

“Lynette, stop.”

Flap
Flap
Flap.

Still getting nowhere.

Flap
Flap
Flap

My wings so weary I can no longer try…

I could no longer pretend to believe that I did not know I was caged.
And that’s when picking up that stone came to be.
To conquer the giant that so long haunted me.
The first giant- DEAD.

And now home doesn’t seem so broken anymore.
Somehow this will be redeemed.

And well I stopped running, stopped flapping my wings.
Stop living in chains, stopped living in a cage.

Freedom is here, finally.

A Betrayal

2011-03-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

I dedicate this to my friend Lorie.
Keep on fighting, beautiful.

I don’t understand this.

I’ve been feeling this way for a while. I get sick all to often, I’m tired, what feels like, all the time. Fatigued would be a better way to describe it. I have strange rashes too. They cover my body, my face. I try everything to take care of myself. I force myself to workout, eat healthy, get eight hours of sleep or more, and most importantly not to stress. But I can’t seem to get better, no matter what I do.

So I did what I knew, I made an appointment with the doctor.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Let’s run some tests. Hopefully we can figure this out.”

They poked and pricked my skin. Blood from inside me, up through the tube, into the vial. They took so much blood, filled so many little vials.

“We need a few days for the lab to run the tests. We’ll call you when the results are in.”

Two weeks had past now and I sat back in the doctor’s office. My foot nervously shook, my palms clammy from the anxiety. I felt my stomach twist and turn into about a thousand knots. My husband beside me, telling me,

“It’ll be alright.”

I barely heard him speaking though. I was consumed. Finally a knock on the door; relief and heightened fear all at once. It swung open, the doctor smiled his commercial smile- nothing but fake. Simple hello’s and hands shakes went all around.

“Nice to see you again.”

I was furious, it was not “nice” to see him again; I had been waiting long enough for these results, he needed to just get on with it and tell me.

“Well, it seems, that your test results came back positive for one thing.”

Silence.

Deep breath. “It seems that you have lupus. It’s a chronic auto-immune disorder. This would explain your fatigue, unexplainable fevers, and rashes. We should probably take action immediately….”

The doctor went on for a while explaining the disease, different treatment options, how this was going to affect me, my daily life. I felt like a burden, suddenly I was a weight, I felt bad, guilty for being sick. My husband, my poor husband, I felt guilty for bringing him into this. It would affect him, us, our marriage.

“Also, you should know, I encourage my patients with lupus not to bear children. It’s too risky for the fetus and mother.”

Another blow.

Now, not only did I feel like a weight myself, but a weight sat on my shoulders too. The news was devastating; my stomach fell into a bottomless pit. What of the family we dreamt of having? My dreams now dying. The appointment concluded; I would be getting referrals within the next 2 days so I could start my treatment. I was sick.
My husband and I had not said a word to each other after the doctor had left. What could I say? We walked out the doctor’s office in silence and made our way to parking lot. He opened the car door for me, I looked at him- straight into his eyes- and he saw. I lost it, everything in me caved, I wept. I wept for this betrayal.

My mind sound, my body burdened with betrayal.
I was sick.

And he cried too as he held me. I was grateful for his arms, stronger than mine. The comfort of his touch, kissing me, his words of assurance held me as I broke.

“What” …sob... “are we” …sob…. “gonna do?” I said.

“We’re going to get through this,” he replied so assuredly.

I almost believed him. Small quick breathes, my crying coming to an end. I knew we were both scared of the unknown. So many uncertainties lie ahead. Despite everything I was so thankful for him. Here he was with me in a parking lot, consoling me, crying together. We cried for all the unknowns, for the fear of loss, yet every tear shed brought us closer. For he is mine and I am his.

And in the midst of so much pain,
I trusted somewhere God was here too, holding us together in the palm of His hand.

Runner.

2011-03-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

You see I’m a runner.
I run from the things that seem
All too scary to approach.
Too intimidating.
Too heart wrenching.
Too complicated.
Too messy to deal with.
Too vulnerable.
Too uncertain. (Because there are NO guarantees. None, whatsoever.)
Too many “what if’s?”
Too much to deal with.

I mean who ever really wants to put their heart out there?
It's vulnerable and scary like you're standing in front of a crowd naked.

Vulnerable because lot of the time your heart ends up being
Squashed.
No!
Better yet,

SHATTERed- into a million pieces.
just. like. that.

Who knew life could be so painful?
And that heart sometimes feels like it weighs about a ton,
dragging it around, still dragging.

So...

It’s easier to succumb to fear, to complacency, to what is comfortable. Rather than challenging yourself to break out; to get that little pebble and throw it with all your might at that daunting giant.

But I did it.

For once, I didn’t run. I didn’t hide. I didn’t give way to fear or despair. I held my pebble tight, walked up with all my courage and tears in my eyes, and threw that pebble with everything in me.

Out of anger, righteous anger, out of the sadness, out of that hurt, and those wounds.
I threw my pebble because I could no longer sit in silence.

(You see that happens sometimes. Sometimes you lie silent, undiscovered, suppressing what consumes you most. You smile and nod and pretend like everything is okay; when it’s not. And then you get to point when all you want to do is scream at that top of your lungs the truth your heart has been shouting at you for what feels like forever! Ever heard of denial? Suppression? Yeah, I’ve done it all. )

And so because my heart could no longer take the fear I allowed to hinder it. Fear of consequences, repercussions, the fear instilled in the core of my mind by thinking and over thinking, and rethinking, and then thinking about it some more.

Until finally when my head learned to shut up! And my heart led the way….

That pebble was thrown and damn did it feel good!
And I heard something, “Gasp!”
What was that? My heart?
Can it make noises? Tell me can it? Or am I going crazy?
It sounds like breathing…

“Aha!”, and then my mind remembers.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” Thank you C.S. Lewis.

Who knew I forgot to breathe?
My heart breathing again.

Oh, by the way that stupid giant, but oh so real of a thing, now lays dead. How faithless my heart; I forget redemption is here.

So now I enter into a season of healing and hope.
And guess what, this is going to be:
vulnerable
Heart wrenching
scary
uncertain
complicated
messy
awkward
intimidating
and so many other wonderful adjectives.

But I refuse to run. Because the strange thing about this kind of running is that it gets you absolutely nowhere, except trapped in that pretty little head with turmoil in that broken heart.

P.S. Redemption is not painless. Just look at the cross.

Joy & Pain

2011-03-26T00:14:00.001-07:00

I’ve been feeling the ache to write for a while but have not the words to say what I want to say.
What should I say?
Life is funny, funny business I tell you.

And God is a character-the main lead of this grand story. I don’t really understand the main lead,
He’s confusing, and bewildering, and maddening.
Sometimes I wonder if I can fully trust You when things like this happen.

Such broken things that make me weep.
There is such brokenness in this…
And then I find laugher in the silliest things, like giddy children we chuckle,
free of all worry and sorrows of today.

But…

today I sat on the floor holding hands praying and crying with my sweet loved ones, thinking to myself,
“Where are you in this?”

Somewhere…

…deep in the recesses of my heart, hidden beneath the layers of flesh and blood, somewhere in me, You reside.
And I feel You speak comfort and hope in the midst of such a broken world.

...Somewhere...

How do I find you again? Or do You ever leave?
All I know is there is no one to turn to besides You.
And this life is joy and pain, hurt, mistakes, sin, and grace.

That is what I know.

And You are the God that speaks and creation is.
And I am nothing but dust, a passing wind.

So be speedy to my cries,
Mend this heart.
For my days are numbered,
as You know the number of hairs on my head.

I need you Lord,
I was created to delight in You.

Happiness is...

2011-03-12T21:55:00.001-08:00

Dancing in parking lots to Taylor Swift and 50 cent.
Giddiness and excitement for getting hired for a job; such a sweet phone call.
Happiness is being a child, talking on the phone for hours about her and him and that friend who really isn’t a friend.
"She's mean but, I don't think she even realizes it."
“Don't bring me around her because I don’t think I’d like her but,
(pause)

... I would love her anyways.”
Happiness is a cold breeze brushing up on my skin, while the warm sun thaws my frozen bones.
Jumping up and down because you can’t contain the excitement inside you.
(Kind of like that feeling when you realize the boy you like, likes you back.)
Happiness is realizing I will travel this world once I finish my season here
Or embark on a grand adventure with someone, someday.
Happiness is laughter with friends.
Happiness is trusting that in the simplicity of life there is a joy that can be found.
Laughing at dogs running around the park.
Running, sweat cools me, my body feels strong, almost invincible.
Happiness is trusting Him; that He works for the good of those called to His purpose.
Happiness is being a child, and learning to live, and surrender, be free, and be beautiful as you are created to be.
Happiness is trusting that through the storm, freedom will be found.
And sometimes happiness is
A sweet sorrow,
A parting,
A realization,
A dying dream,
An aching hope.
Happiness is..

Life is Messy.

2011-03-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Hair curly wild knotted- can’t run my fingers through it, clothes on the ground in my room, heart and mind everywhere, thinking of everything. Dishes piling, the bed’s unmade, and that spider is still alive underneath the cup I placed over it.-because I’m too afraid to kill it. Brita needs filling up -I’m a cup half empty type of person- as I fill it up, I pray, muttering quietly, ”God, help me to see things half full.”

I lie on my bed during that half hour little break I have between class. I could clean that pile of clothes off my chair now spilling on the floor, my mother’s voice chimes in my mind, “Put your things away,” but I continue to lie down. More clothes spilling out of my hamper, I could do a load of laundry. But I choose to continue to rest. Those dishes around my sink need washing, but I neglect to clean them.

I always aim to have my T’s crossed and I’s dotted. I would like things labeled and marked, put away in their little nice containers. Everything needs to be orderly, clean, and never messy. I never wanted to be messy.

But I realize life is messy. Sometimes, a lot of the times, I am messy.

The kind of messy where you are on the brink of tears, yet tender hands hold you and pray over you. Messy because you have some massive shit you have to work through; Grace still covers me. Messy because I have some Goliaths of my own to conquer and yet I’m afraid to kill a stupid little spider. Through Him I can do All things.

Messy but trying to do something about it…
I meet with a kind soul who understands the wounds of my heart.
Someone who puts a name to what I am going through.

Hope glimmers somewhere in the distance.

And so with all this in mind, I crawl out of bed, walk to my bathroom mirror.
And I hum a melody of a song, as I pluck a few daisies from a bouquet.

...I believe that grace resides in this heart as I place flowers in my hair….

Ready?

2011-03-01T20:33:00.001-08:00

I had this dream a few nights ago.....It's a bit abstract but it speaks wildly loud into this heart of mine....

I was unaware of what was happening….I felt as though my body had just teleported from some other place. I took in my new surroundings and observed a bunch of people standing on this sidewalk ready for some event. I looked down at myself to see if I was ready, my first thought, “Wow, I am a mess.” I still need to get ready. Franticly I begin to move my feet, believing myself to be a mess while everyone else is dressed up quite nicely; I feel out of place. I look through the couples all standing along the sidewalk, and see Becca. I run to her, comforted by a familiar face, “Becca! Can you tell him to wait? I still need to get ready?” “Yes of course, don’t worry momma. Go get ready, we’ll be waiting.” And I felt assured by her words, I believed her when she said, “We’ll be waiting,” even if it takes me a little bit longer than expected.

And so I left go get ready. As I walk across campus, I see a building of some sort that normally isn’t there. And oddly enough my mom along with Elisha were carrying tons of gift bags and shopping bags into this place. I was confused, “What’s my mom doing here? Who are those for?” I asked myself. At that very moment, Elisha saw me, “You’re not suppose to see this! It’s not ready yet.” I felt a tinge of guilt but!
…then immediately, or rather in a flash, my surroundings changed again.

This time I found myself in an ornate palace. It is grand and beautiful, golden hues fill the room, along with a majestic staircase leading to ….somewhere…

Off to the side was a room, a closet of some sort. I walked into this place not all too sure what to expect. I was greeted with rows of beautiful dresses cascading from hangers, gowns made from rich fabrics. I was overwhelmed with joy, giddy even. And I knew in my heart it was all for me. I began to look through the dresses, but there were two that stood out from the rest. I admire the first one deeply, but decided to not try it on, and then stumbled upon the second. I fell in love with this dress, really; it was gorgeous. Ready to now try it on, I walked back to the entrance to close the door. As I did, I realized I was surrounded my mirrors and immediately I saw my reflection. I am surprised because the reflection in the mirror was not the person I believed myself to be. I thought I was messy, not put together, but my reflection revealed something else. There I stood already in a dress, my curls pulled up, I smiled happily at myself…. I was….dare I say it?…beautiful…

But I began to change from this dress into the new one I just chose… a beautiful white and blue dress that reminded me of a Greek goddess….It really was stunning.
Once dressed, my hair no linger pinned up, and I exited knowing now....I was ready.

….Again I was in that massive palace, ready. My heart took in all the surroundings. And in that moment I knew, I was royalty of some sort…I was adored, cared for, sought after by someone. My eyes redirected their gaze towards the staircase that led somewhere….and I stood waiting for him…

The Dream

2011-02-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

I had this dream, last semester sometime; so I wrote it down. It means more to me than I am sure I can explain at this point...
Do enjoy...
------------------------------------------------

Standing frozen outside the movie theatre, I don’t think my head can really understand. “You need to get the Harry Potter tickets.” “Right, Right I know.” The words I mumbled. And then I forget immediately what it is I just said. My head knows what it should be doing but my heart, my heart is lost, it’s somewhere else. It’s taken, being pulled and called into another direction. And then another voice, another friend saying, “You need to come with me.” And so I go, confused? Yes. Not sure where this leads? Yes. But I follow anyways. In a flash, I’m traveling, whether by train or car, I cannot tell.

And then, I’m running frantically through this massive mansion. I’m shorter as everything looks bigger and my teeth they feel loose; as if my baby teeth were falling out and new teeth were growing in. I run and run, and then find myself walking up a beautiful ornate staircase. I look around, asking myself, “What is this place?” And then I realize as a woman with at least 10 little girls following her, that this is an orphanage. And that I am orphan. Confused and bewildered on how I got here, and how my 20 something body is now that of a 6 year old, I stand shocked. One of my teeth fall out, I spit the tooth in my hand and look up to this woman. She takes my tooth and smiles, “Looks like you’re growing up.” Confused I realized, she is the only mother I’ve known. And she walks away down the stairs, distracted and paying attention to the 10 other little girls surrounding her. And I’m left wondering, how I got here?

In a flash, more movement comes, images speedily moving around me and then it stops. I’m in a new place, and I’m running again through another home of some sort, but this time I am not alone. There are four others I travel with. It is chaotic, and I feel turmoil within me. We run and run and I begin to sense these people around me, what they believe, what is in their hearts. Somehow I know, I can see past the walls that so highly guard their hearts. I see their stories, where they’re from, what they believe. I see them.
And all I think is “What are we doing? What am I doing? Why are we running?”
Eventually we find an empty room, come to slow, and stop running. This is where we make rest, where we stay safe. We sit down, in front of a wardrobe in this empty cool room.
And then I study their faces. I have a brother, he is dark skinned, Middle Eastern, bold eyebrows, brown eyes, he is rooted in his faith, in Allah. I see that in him, and he sees me too. I begin to gain a sense of who I am by seeing this young man, my brother. I was a betrayer of some sort. They knew I believed in this Jesus person, but it was an unspoken agreement; as long as I remained silent, all was well.

And then her face came to mind, exotic, and beautiful. Piercings of all sorts on her face, through her ears, her nose, her lips. Henna covered her, she was colorful, and different, and captivating. She was my friend and the only other female of our traveling group. She worshipped many gods, she was Hindu.

And her brother, I loved deeply. He was the third companion.
I never saw his face, but I sat next to him in my dream. Placing my hand on his back, leaning my head against, I knew with all that was in me, I cared for him so deeply, more than words could ever say. And though no words were spoken, I knew he loved me too. His heart was on the line; he knew what expected of him from his family. But something was stirring in him, an unquenchable thirst, a hardness that was slowly being broken, walls that were purposefully being taken down.

The final companion was another man, an American, this time. He seemed distant and his clothing reeked of western culture. He believed in something, higher than him and so sought this. He communicated to these spirits, these guides, these demons.
And so the five of us sat in an empty room in front of a wardrobe. And this man who spoke to these spirits began a séance. I was confused at first; still trying to take in all the information I had learned of these people. And then I realized what it was he was doing. I could see them, these demonic spirits coming out from the wardrobe. They were surrounding him, and then I began to pray. Immediately I felt within my spirit a war, around me, over me, over us. Swords, I could almost feel reverberating through my mind, clashing around me. The angelic beings were making their stand against the forces of darkness. And my friends knew I was doing something, something to counteract the séance. My brother commanded “Stop whatever you’re doing. It’s keeping him from talking to his spirit guides.” I rebelled; I kept praying silently in my heart and mind; calling on the name of Jesus.

As peculiar as it may seem the séance was being conducted through the means of a coloring book. In the coloring book were faces, faces of sadness, and sorrow, anger, and forgotten people. With great courage I approached this man, and I told him, “by the power of Christ, you will see.” And so I placed my hands over the faces found in the coloring book, eager for their sadness to turn into joy… and they did. The faces once forgotten and sad were joyful and happy. This man turned to me and said that I was “doing some magic trick,” there was no way I could be changing the inked pictures of the people. He scoffed and laughed saying, I was “stupid,” that I wasn’t “doing anything.”

So I walked away, my hands no longer touching their faces. Again proclaiming, “By the power of Christ you will see, that it is Him who changes weeping to dancing, mourning to joy.” The group gathered around the coloring book, gasping, simply in awe of the changes happening to the faces. The faces changed continually, and I steadfastly prayed. Eventually they grew quiet realizing the truth they had once been blinded to....

I gasped for air and awoke in my bed...

The Light.

2011-02-24T10:37:00.000-08:00

This encounter is unlike any other I’ve ever really had; and for that reason I find it is most mentionable and worthy of telling. This short journey began on Monday morning around 11:30 a.m.; good folk and I travelled to Lion’s Park about five minutes away from my university’s campus. Lion’s Park is situated conveniently next to a soup kitchen, and there is a good amount of homeless people who congregate here. We went with sandwiches and water in hand; ready to serve the homeless people we might encounter. Now normally I am a bit more talkative and an outgoing person, but in new situations with new people I tend to be more observant. I ventured out into the park, arrived underneath a shaded canopy, I sat quietly on a bench and began to observe. My faithful friends struck up conversations with these homeless people as they graciously accepted the lunch we brought. I must have sat maybe 10 minutes or so watching as they played chess together, talked about their stories, their families, their struggles, the uniqueness of their lives.

And then one of the men started to talk to me. I appreciated his boldness to strike up a conversation. He seemed set apart from his other friends. I learned much about this new friend, his name Aaron from Massachusetts, age twenty-four. He came here about two months ago after “making bad decision after bad decision,” and lost his job. He sold his house, flew out to California with the money he had and began his life as a homeless man. He continued on with his newfound life, and explained that it took him losing everything before he found Jesus. It was not until now that he made a full commitment to Christ; and was amazingly content with where he was. He shared with me the great news that he been clean for a while, though he did mention what his addiction was, and recently started a job at a local church. I rejoiced with him, congratulating him on this step forward. He was a kind man, so young, vulnerable, so open and willing to learn. I’ll never forget his kindness.

We sat there underneath that shaded canopy and it was so very chilly. He asked if I was cold, I replied with a little white lie, “Oh, I’m alright,” as he took out a jacket from his backpack. He laughed, “Alright, well I’m cold and I was only being a gentleman.” At that moment I realized that this man who literally had his entire world in a backpack; was still willing to offer whatever he had to me. Me- the girl with 20,000 shoes, 1,500 dresses, and more jewelry than you care to imagine.
A lot of times in doing ministry work you assume that you will help, love, and minster to others. But the truth is a lot of the time they end up teaching you more. I realized as he asked me, “What do you think of the light?” that this man was living in it.
This light was the sun, brightly warming all the grass, and the children playing in the sand. It warmed everything except me. I insisted that I was fine where I was sitting but really I was quite cold and I desperately wanted to walk into that light. As I answered that question, I told him, “The light is scary because it reveals all. It shows your imperfections, your sin, your insecurities.” But that brilliant light, "it is good, and it is beautiful". He seemed thoughtful, soaking in what I just told him.

I stayed not too much longer, left him with a handshake, and a promise that I would be praying for him. I knew I’d never forget him, a part of me wished that he would not forget me, that he would pray for me, that he would remember me. Because the truth is I really am no different than this man. Simply, a sinner in need of grace, simply a sinner in need of that brilliant light.

I have to really believe it.

2011-02-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

These absurd things that I claim to hold onto. I have to believe it.
I have to believe that God will provide. I have to believe that God will set me free.
I have to believe that God will defend my cause, that He desires justice just as much, and more, than I do.
I have to believe that He never leaves me or forsake me.
I have to believe he will provide an outpouring of love when I feel all alone.
I have to trust in His goodness and that it follows me all the days of my life.
I have to believe that there are dark seasons in my life but with Him there can be purpose and beauty found in the brokenness.
I have to believe that I when I declare Him my cornerstone, my solid ground; He is just that.

The God that spoke creation in existence, that God that rose Christ from the dead is in me. And I have to believe it.

I have to walk in these truths and not give way to despair or fear or hopelessness.
I have to walk in these truths, because HE is my firm foundation and there is everlasting truth found in Him.
I have to believe it and I do…slowly but surely.

And of course there are doubts and questions, but in the midst of everything HE is the truth I cling to.

Joy.

2011-02-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

There is a certain kind of joy invading the crevices of my heart. It’s warming, freeing, and by no means is it abrasive or intrusion.
It’s the joy of You; calming and freeing me when my thoughts run rampant, when my heart is in an uproar, when my soul is shouting, my worries all too consuming. It’s your joy flooding my everything, filling me to the rim, and overflowing from within. I long to bask in it, and soak in it, and choose to live in it even when life has its many trials and stresses- commitments, mundane tasks, deadlines, and seemingly impossible feats.

And then there are those little insecurities that can sometimes feel an ocean deep and miles wide, those little insecurities, gosh, that keep me from living. But what of Your love and that joy? It’s in me, You dwell in me, and my confidence is not in earthly things but in You.

So again, I choose Your joy and I ask that You would give it graciously to me. And I pray that it is done only that I may glorify you and be whatever reflection of Your Amazing Love I can be to anyone I encounter, even myself.

Today, I live in Joy, today I walk in Love.

Plastic.

2011-01-23T22:35:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a while ago....rediscovered it, so I thought I'd post it...

Oh let’s try to medicate this soul
Let’s try to cover it all up.
Sick of fake silly faces
I want what’s real in all of us.
I want your peace to fill me.
Fear rests in my heart. I am silly silly silly.
This cup that I am, this alabaster jar, filled with rot and dying things.
When truly, I want your glory
not some self-righteous story
of what I believe you to be.

So break me, fill me, with your hope, your love, YOU.
Because at the end of the day as the tears are falling.
It’s you. It’s You. It’s YOU I need.
I could spend a lifetime trying,
so very hard to break free.
But that is only something You can do.
Freedom lies in the Shadow of Your wings.

Confined to what this world screams at me to be.
Trapped? Not any longer.
So let’s take off this fake face,
Let’s smile through the tears.
Let’s be real, be beautiful, as You created me to be.

I want my eyes so set on you that I forget what it means to look at me.
I am so focused on pleasing the world, trying to fit in, oh my selfish little heart.
It wants to be beautiful but, I think it’s confused to what that really means.

Beauty as You define it is not what this world tells you to be.
So now I’m at a crossroads which one do I choose?
I try, try, and try and I keep tiptoeing back and forth.
It’s my insecurities, my foolish pride, that does this to me.
If I was secure enough in who you created me to be
would I feel the need to please, to please, to please?

But I am lost in this game, I am not pretty like her.
She enhances, and fakes it, perfect hair, nails, and skin.
But what of her heart? What lies within?
I want to be stripped of everything.
Find me as I am; all my fears and failures, teach me,
and fill me with Your Glory.
Abba, I will sit at your feet, and marvel
in awe of You.

The Wound.

2011-01-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

Gaping and wide, LOUD.
As it reminds me of its existence.
Shouting!
Hidden, deep, and dark...
Untended, untouched, hidden!
So very hidden.

The wound of my heart
inflicted by years of self-
abuse.
hatred.
loathing.

The wound of my heart
inflicted by words of
hatred.
words of
fear.
acts of
perversion.

The wound, still loud,
still gaping.
Searching for its fill.
Hoping for it to close.

And then

He comes...
Startlingly convicting.
Eye opening, and
Real.
More real than that gaping hole of a wound of mine.

And I am told, simply,
"With His stripes we are healed."

And my wounds are no more.

For when that precious skin was split
and innocent blood bled.
My wounds were healed.
This strange transposing, my wounds now His.

And I am healed.
Yes, I am healed.

Love

2010-12-31T17:14:00.000-08:00

I received "The Temple" my George Herbert for Christmas.

If you're anything for some wholesome poetry...I suggest you pick up a copy...It's fabulous.
Please do enjoy his poem entitled "Love (3)."

"Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of sin and dust.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lacked anything.

A guest, I answered, worthy to be here:
Love said, thou shalt be he.
I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah my dear,
I cannot look at thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I?

True, Lord, but I have marred them; let my shame
Go where it deserves.
And dost thou not know, says love, who bore the blame?
My dear, then I shall serve.
Thou must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat."

-George Herbert

Random thoughts floating though my mind.

2010-11-21T22:08:00.001-08:00

I like Harry Potter a lot.
I wish I could be his friend.
I find many many parallels between Harry Potter and my Christian faith.
Appalling, ironic? So be it.
No I don't think Harry Potter is of the devil.
It has a timeless story line: fight between good and evil.

I should be writing my Shakespearean critique right now.
I have little motivation to get it done. I will get more of it done once I finish this random blog.

What brings on loneliness? Lack of community?
We all feel lonely at one point or another.
But why?

I don't get to go home for thanksgiving, sucks.
It's a sacrifice though.

I miss home. I want to snuggle with my mom, and my cat and puppies, watch a movie and go shopping.
I want to see my best friends in the entire world. Leslie, Melissa, Katie, Candi, Kirsten.
I miss you girls terribly. I miss my other friends from home too. A LOT.

I wonder when I'll get this right. I'm curious as to why God has brought to the place I am at now.
I wonder where the underlining thread of unity binds this all together?

Conclusively, "I" should be less than He.

So here's to Him who reigns.
Who is victorious.
Who is worthy.
Who is good.
Praise Him.

If I die young.

2010-11-16T22:28:00.001-08:00

Something about this song.....

Song of my Life, and For my LIfe.

2010-11-10T12:24:00.001-08:00

Relationships

2010-11-01T17:59:00.001-07:00

are complicated,
vulnerable.
And sometimes heart wrenching.

I don't like the messiness of them.

a rare gem.

2010-10-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Miles we have travelled. Sweat we have shed.
Up to mountaintop is where we're at.
A cave of wonders- the rarest of gems.
That is you, my friend.
It’s not an easy path to follow,
narrow, is this road.
But it's leading up to the mountains,
to where the greatest of things unfold.
You are so rare to find.
But somehow you are here.
And I would say, with all the sweat and tears
I’ve endured in this life,
You’re worth it, so worth it,
so come here
And be mine.

Control.

2010-10-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

There is pain in this surrender.
I feel deep in my soul much anguish.
I am dying to myself.
To take one's cross and follow him daily.
The cross an instrument of death.
But I suffer with purpose, the cause- the Kingdom.
This isn't easy, God knows it never was.
I am conflicted.

I am thirsty.

I hate this.

2010-10-10T22:05:00.001-07:00

I don’t know how I am going to write this. I’m not even quite sure what the aim of this will be, or where it’ll lead me. The only thing I must do/say is that I will not write to impress, I will only write from my heart.

So here it goes:
I have a desire, a yearning, a heart to be with someone. And when I say “to be” I mean to live in partnership, in companionship, in relationship, in connection with someone. I want to have a love story with a special man who I can share the rest of my life with. I want to fall in love with my best friend. I think it’s a costly thing, I think it’ll be a painful thing, but I think it’ll be worth it. My greatest prayer concerning this matter is that our love story will be a testimony of God’s divine orchestration and grace in the lives of two people in love with each other, and ultimately with God.. I always have prayed that would be better together than apart; working towards common goals, like-minded, equally yoked, building and encouraging growth for the Kingdom. It needs to be a healthy relationship.

I don’t know why God calls us out of relationships but from my own experience and the experience of others I’ve witnessed the only reason I do find is that He always wants us entirely, wholly, fully. When we sing “He is jealous for me.” I think we need to really really believe it. Baffling isn’t it? That HE is jealous for me! So because He is jealous for me, He does what He needs/can do to make that very clear. Even if it means ripping out something from us we so desperately cling to.

As the years go by and I come to deeper understanding of who I am, who Christ is, and what my life as a Christ-follower should look like; I have found a distinct calling or maybe even desire to go out into the nations. I want to spread the love of Christ to people all over the world, from right here in my own backyard to the place where the sand is red. It’s a strange calling, often time I think to myself shouldn’t all Christ followers feel this way? I mean aren’t we all called to preach the gospel of Christ? Why do I feel weird?

Now let’s be clear, I love America and in all honestly I get bored with this life, the 9 to 5 living, American dream, consumer-based- the more crap you have the happier you’ll be- housewife and a husband that comes home to a quaint little house with a white picket fence. Now, there is nothing bad about these things, or wanting to live this way. But now more than ever I don’t really believe Christ is calling me to live a life of…well….comfort.

…It started this past May, when I went to a movie with a dear friend of mine. We saw Prince of Persia, my request of course, and I remember just sitting there thinking to myself, all I am doing is sitting here, when there is a big big world I want to go out into. So right there in the theatre, I prayed that Christ would send my on some grand adventure. I recall even thinking “I don’t know how you’re going to do this Jesus, or what the looks like but, I want an adventure where I get to travel across nations, in dry desserts, living a life of spontaneity and grand adventure.” And that was it.

Later that evening my dear friend were talking about a great many things and randomly a program entitled The World Race was presented to me. 11 countries, 11 months, one grand missions trips. You live out of a backpack and have 7 pairs of underwear for almost a year. Sounds crazy, sounds uncomfortable, sounds Amazing. Sign me up please! was my first reaction. Now that has changed, I’ve been wrestling with the idea since. “Do you really want me to do this?” “I mean 11 months is a long time?” “If I don’t do it, I’ll go absolutely mad and regret it with everything that’s in me!” “I want to do this, but when?” “And the most terrifying thing of all, “Why do I feel that once I go, I’ll want to stay?”

I don’t believe I’ll be going on any World Race anytime soon, as I still have a over a year and half of college to finish. Then will need to work to pay off my loans, and then fundraise for the trip. I know all this will be in God’s timing and his perfect will. (So if He calls me as soon as I graduate, well I trust He’ll provide and I will go.)

But such “callings” in my life have always started out as little seeds. He does that, God that is, He likes to plant seeds into my heart, away they are stored until they finally come to flourish and blossom. He did that with attending Vanguard, with becoming an RA, and He is doing it now with this. The more I read, the more I ponder, the more I question, the more I doubt, the more I find I am called to go. The more I’m trying, horribly, to find any way out.

Now for some of you this may all my too hypothetical. And trust me, I know. But I think this is all about the process. It’s process of surrendering, of trusting, of letting go, and at the same time trying to hold onto everything I want.
I know I do not know what lies in tomorrow. And if it is in God’s will I go and that’s the thing I’m pretty sure it is His plan. This whole contemplation thing has got my going a little crazy ad perhaps this is a trap of the enemy, who has me focusing a little too much on the future and not so much on the present.

But there is a reason why I am concerned about this calling on my life. And it all revolves around one single stupid little thing called “dating.” I lay down my pride and show my heart in saying that I have not been asked out once my entire college career. So what’s the problem? Well let’s just say that I want to pursue relationship with people, with guys, I even have a particular guy in mind. And well he seems wonderful, and I’m sure he is. What I’m trying to say is I am wrestling, with choices. Because the choices I make now are going to affect the course of my future. Choices---> I made a choice to date my ex, I made a choice to compromise, I made a choice to put him first, I made the choice. And in light of everything this is all so small.

But choices make a difference. I so feel the want/need/desire to have a boy. Unhealthily, I must confess I somewhat pity people in relationships. I think- most definitely- a coping mechanism, to help me realize that isn’t what I have. Honestly, some days I like being on my own, I feel stronger, more independent.
But I think what needs to happen is a lot of dying to self, a lot of dying of dreams- my irrational dream that I would be married by age 22. I’m pretty sure that ISN’T happening! I want somebody but I am so stubbornly learning to let go.

My Love goes Free

2010-10-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

I've have not written a blog for a while.
Not much is on my mind except the massive amount of homework I need to do.
How I really want to do something fun tonight, even if it's cozying up to some hot tea and watching a good movie. Oh! And I really want to go to a pumpkin patch, tomorrow.

Onward---
I may be going to Vietnam this coming summer (2011) for 6 weeks. Do you know that terrifies me? I have never ever been out of the country for more than 2 weeks, so 6 sounds ludicrous to me. But then when I really think about it, I never wanted to be a caged bird.

You see this summer I was visiting my grandpa at his rest home (interesting transition? I know.) And at the rest home there are these lovely birds living happily in their cage and I just watched them, listened to them, tweet and flutter, and eat, and hop. There was 4 of them, all put in this little cage, with their only purpose being- to entertain. I sat there in that chair chomping on, I think, subway and watched those little birds (I even took a picture of them). And I began to think what it would be like if they were free. Unbeknownst to them that there is a big big world out there. All they've been apart of is this little space in the universe, this little cage.

I wrote later in my journal, "Caged Bird versus Free Bird."
And listed the differences, for the caged bird I wrote: safe, tamed, restricted.
Then for the free bird, I wrote two things only: dangerous and difficult life.

You see the caged never has to worry about a prowling cat waiting to devour it, nor does it have to worry where it's food will come from for itself and its young.
But a free bird faces danger outside its cage, weather of 112 degrees or a horrendous storm, hunger, open to attack from a predator.

And when I really think about it, as much as a life of comfort sounds appealing, I know now more than ever that I want to be free.

My wings are never meant to be restricted to these cages I build.

And so, I will go, where ever I am called. As terrified as I may be; I know am cared for and loved.

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?...
"Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'
...Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6.

So God-willing, I will go this summer on a far off adventure in some foreign land-learning, living, loving, and continually being changed.

I've been caged before, but that is no life to live. So I will continue to fly.

Emptiness.

2010-08-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in my heart, there is emptiness. I can best describe this feeling, this reality, as a bottomless pit. As I probe my heart wondering where this pit ends, I realize it is much too dark, too nebulous, too empty to try to find its end. The truth of the matter is I believe it doesn't end. It is bottomless, unending, and very real.

What can fill me? Who can make me whole?
And I remember, because I so often forget, I am loved. LOVED. loved. LOVED by God who is Love.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Paul, Book of Ephesians 3:16-20

Peace consumes, I am Filled. Love fills me.

I continue to come to know Him, to love Him and to accept that I am loved.
His love is beyond our knowledge, for our finite minds cannot comprehend the infinite love of God.
Only His love can fill this emptiness, this bottomless pit, this hole.

Only HE can fill you.

Praise Him.

A young heart with Big dreams.

2010-07-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day of work. And though my stay was short-lived, only 3 days a week 8:30 to 5:00 since May; I am still so incredibly grateful for the wonderful people I met. My lovely boss, and amazing co-worker/s, will all be dearly missed. It was also a day of bittersweet farewells; as one of the employee's retired today. In honor of this quiet woman, the office hosted a farewell/retirement party. It was here that one of her dear friends whom she referred to as Baby Ruth, came to her retirement party and read a beautiful speech. So beautiful in fact it made me teary, almost cried; baby Ruth had a way with those words! And I love that, I love heartfelt, personal, writing. She concluded this speech with "This isn't goodbye, merely a new beginning to many new hello's." I liked that ending. a lot. So promising, so hopeful, so reassuring. As the day continued my work dwindled down to a slow and I found myself talking with my coworker Anne Marie. Asking without much thought about her dreams, simply inquiring, "Do you have any dreams Anne Marie? a list of some things you would like to do before you die?" (I sound so morbid :/) She laughed, or more like chuckled and her first response was "You have such a young heart." That wasn't the response I was expecting, but I liked it.

A young heart.

I suppose that's the point I am at right now, in the lot I have been so graciously given. And this young heart of mine is yearning, dreaming, and wanting Big things to happen in this life and the lives of others! I have so many idealized dreams, SO so many, the list grows often, or perhaps the dreams just get bigger.

All this to say, I don't want to be caught in the future so much that I loose sight of the present. And so I will conclude with two things. First, I pray that such dreams are pleasing in the Lord, such desires are those of which He has placed on my heart. And second, I will not boast in days of tomorrow but rather say "If it is the Lord's will, let it be done."
So I will hope that these dreams, these desires will come to pass according to the direction and gracious hand of my Savior.
For I am a young heart so yearning to be used for His purposes, to further His heavenly kingdom.

Peace be yours, dear one.

Our lives.

2010-07-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

Shock and Awe would describe this past week or so. I am continually amazed at the marvelous things happening in my life and the lives of others around me. I recently called out to God, asking Him where He was in all this- all this being: my life, myself- miry clay longing to have some form. And then, what seemed to be out of nowhere, one thing after another, after another, after another began to fall into place. There are still so many questions and situations that may or may not come to be; in all this I know He is working. Whether it be a job, a blessing to both me and a dear friend, a friend applying for college, a curious heart wanting to know more about this faith, dear loved ones leaving on an adventure in a foreign land, or hearts being wrangled, stirred up, and searching. He is always working.

So many "coincidences," so many lives so wonderfully embrace my life and I have a chance- an opportunity to share His love in theirs. So many places we venture, so many faces we see; I once heard and so believe, that there is a fine line between coincidence and fate. Fate simply being a secular term for the will of God. To focus on others, on Him, instead of myself, to see the hand of God working so diligently, revealing a wonderful tapestry of love.

And in the midst of this joy, this consuming fire blazing in my heart; the enemy comes seeking its destruction- tempting me to focus on my longings unfulfilled, the aches of my heart, the desires I've yet to see pass, my fears.

I am not created to dwell on past things, and I am not created to be consumed by aches and wrong doings. I am not created to be consumed by my questions or my fears- myself.
I am created to be broken, to heal, to be made new. To deny myself and follow Him.
Perhaps much easier said than done, still more than worth it.

The key is trust and simply following Him in the lot He has given me. He is endlessly in pursuit of my heart, always reaching for me. Such questions will be answered, such aches will heal. And the only thing I want to be consumed by is Him.

So in my sorrow there is always joy in His salvation, in the wondrous things He has planned.
I want to be continually amazed by Him.

"The suffering Your love put you through.
Oh the suffering Your love put you through.
I know I am called to love like you do."

My prayer:

That joy would be rooted deep in my heart. A joy not contingent on situations in life.
But a joy simply rooted in the depth of Your Love. In the most dire situations may I say:
"You give and take away, Blessed be Your Name." And when sweet favor has found me, still I pray
I will say, "Blessed by Your Name."

Because I can't sleep...

2010-07-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

A wonderful lullaby to sleep to. Mute Math, by far one of my all time favorite bands.

Faults
Faults
have weighed on my confidence
The years
have stolen my innocence
It's hard
to pay the price for this
Tonight
could be the last to spend

Just see me through the night
Just see me through the fight
Somehow

Somehow
Ooohhh

Now I'm
I'm looking for ways to hide
from the walls
between every voice inside
I'm caught
It's something I can't describe
So I
I wait just for you tonight

Maybe hope
will buy us another day
and time
will fix what I can't erase
But it all
feels millions of miles away
And I
don't think I'll get there anyway

Can you change my thoughts around?
And I pray you'll stay for now
Can you save what's breaking down?

Just see me through the fight.

all things lead back to my faith in Jesus. I am confident He will see me through, somehow.

Replaced.

2010-07-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Don't think for one second you've been replaced.
Don't think for one minute someone could take your place.
Because you leave a space in my heart, unfilled longing and dark;
when you start to believe that I've turned away, found someone else in your place.

Darling, we've had our fights,
Even our goodbye's.
Time and space may cause a schism, a break
But whatever you think, whatever you believe
Please don't believe you could ever be replaced.

Things change; it's inevitable.
I've done what I could to grow and to love, to let go.
You're on my mind, heavy on this heart,
so I say a prayer for you.

If you ever stop believing,
and grow weary, loosing faith,

Of all the things that you cease to believe.
Please don't ever think you could be replaced.
Because you left a mark,
a space in my heart,
unfilled longing and dark;
when you start to believe that I've turned away,
found someone else in your place.

You'll never be replaced.

Trust.

2010-06-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

when darkness falls,
exhaustion overtakes
darkness grows thick
and hope fades.

Pain is magnified,
weary we grow...
until we find rest
and sleep revives
the hope that was lost
in the night. the
sun rises as it always does,

mercies new again.

still we know a more faithful love.
a love that has no beginning and no end.

Light illuminates
the darkness in our souls
and a small bird perches
and we know to be still for there is hope.

-----------------------------------------------------

Who stills my heart?
and quiets me soul?
who brings me back to redemption's hill?

A place of brutal sacrifice,
all in the name of love,
blood, your blood was spilled.

It's a matter of trust
Oh, this restless heart...
it's a matter of letting go.

Turn&Point fingers.
Worry&Obsess.

But be still and know HE is God.

Who calms the storms raging in me?
Who heals the leper, and sets us free?

Quiet I grow in awe of your love.
To love, to love, to love...

All in the name of love.

Peace be yours,
Peace, be still and know

HE is God.

These Things

2010-06-12T19:27:00.001-07:00

These things, yes these things, these hearts, hurt and bleed.
These things, yes these things, take work.
These streets, yes these streets, aren’t suppose to be one way.
But more often than not I find that I am striving to keep something alive,
To keep this thing from dying.
It’s not meant to be a one way street- a one way street.

I’ll forgive you, just like I always do, but you can’t be blinded
To your fear of not trying. It’s holding things back,
Darling, we’re meant to be playing, loving not crying.

These things take work, an effort from both parties.
I’ll keep walking, waiting and watching,
Not by my power, my might, or my wrath.
Simply the hope in me perched and singing
A melody of tunes that keeps on living.
It sings me to sleep, comfort and rest.

Because what you don’t know is that I prayed
A special prayer for you and I, somehow you’re still here.
So am I, and when does it die?
When the end comes, you'll never know
What you actually mean to me,
How I sincerely will never let go.
I’ll tell you these words, uttered in the night.
The prayer of my heart, locked away in hidden corridors,
A place you’ve never known, a place, Yeshua, is only invited.

I am still running...

2010-06-07T23:00:00.001-07:00

The heat of the sun weighs heavily on my brow,
The sweat on my skin falls down…down…down..
As I come to a slow from running this race
I wonder where to go
Because I know I’m good at running from things that make me cry.
I liked to keep things buried, hoping they’ll soon die.
I don’t like to address the issues at hand,
There much to large to deal with, much to much a giant.
M own Goliath’s.
And all I hear, some words resound…
“You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you.”
And so I run, not all too sure where I go,

Jeremiah

2010-06-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

"Consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you
when you forsake the Lord your God
and have no awe of me,"

declares the Lord Almighty.

2:19.

Those words are enough to waken me from slumber.
Be in awe.

Sometimes

2010-05-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

It's eleven p.m. exactly.
And I wonder what it all means.
How do I measure a day? How do you measure a day?
Time well spent?
Is it in the amount of To Do's you get to crossed off your list at the end of the day?
The hours of work you fulfill?
How do we measure a day?
Is it in the heart's we invest in?
Eternal beings is what we are.
I look around me and I see "tired" "lost" "sick" "hurting."
A simple smile, a kind word, a gentle gesture of love.
Compassion exudes from your voice.
This is what we need, what we long for.
Where is our fulfillment found?
In ourselves? In a person?
In a God?

Existence, how do you do it?

I went to a viewing...

2010-05-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

...I went to a rosary today. My life is rich in the Catholic heritage, as I was raised Catholic.
We prayed over and over again, The Lord’s Prayer and many Hail Mary’s.
Jesus. My heart, my truth, my life.
This family I have known since I was a little one.
This woman who had passed away,
I remember going to her house in the summer with my best childhood friend, her granddaughter.
We’d go inside the pool, I remember that giant blow-up giraffe we would float on.
I remember living as though I was in an African safari, the hot sun beating down on me, the cool water surrounded me.
I remember laughter, and the big dirt hill behind the house; the one that seemed filled with timeless mysteries and adventures. The same hill my childhood friend's father and my father would slide down when they were young.
Such a large city, somehow we're all connected.
I wanted to sneak out, slide down, but never did.
I was little and too scared, but my heart dreamed big adventures.
This man and his wife, extended family, I was welcomed into this home.
I remember being young and not understanding, what her sickness was, she couldn’t remember things. Her mind dwindling, yet her home spoke of richness. Her paintings, art, philosophy, beauty encompassed this woman- her home.
I don’t think she ever remembered who I was.
It had been a while since I had seen her, and God in is wonderful and awesome plans granted me the privilege of seeing her this past January, little did I know it would be the last time I would see her alive. A strange coincidence, I happened to be with two of my closest friends disturbing the extra flowers after the Rose Parade, to senior citizens. This home, randomly chosen, of the many places we could have gone to in the large area I reside.
And so we went…of all the rooms I did and did not distribute flowers to, I fell upon this one.

“Mr. Berru! Hi! How are you? I’m mark and Shelley’s neighbor, remember me?”
He did. He was there with his wife, my heart ached, contracted in pain.
Sweet love hurts.
Here he was with her, her mind far gone, not knowing who he was; never to say a word, just existing.
But he was here with his wife, his love.
A strange and beautiful parallel to the timeless movie ”The Notebook,” is what I thought.

Sweet Love Hurts. Requires pain and sacrifice, Oh but it endures!
Life is much too short to be wasting away.
I want to live as I am able to today.

Your beautiful love Mr. Berru shows me, tangibly, that Love endures.
Live beautifully, exotically, live differently, thank you for showing me that Bertha.
And so I will close with a poem she wrote:

Spring sleeps so her beauty can be fresh,
Summer breathes in winter’s rain for more brilliance.
Autumn has buried her gold in the earth for richer color,
Winter is here in silent mediation.
I smile faintly at the whisper of love
And all that is part of our yesterday,
as they are the shadow of today.
For today is a stage on which we perform,
And we hear not the applause until tomorrow.

May the light of the Lord shine upon you and grant you peace, Bertha Berru.
Rest in the love of our Savior.

Strings.

2010-05-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

Some people just find a way to your heart.
A long string of invisible connection.
Pulls and tugs. Pulls and tugs.
Brings you close and lets you part.
There are some people, few and far between, who know how to get straight to the heart of me.

Right.
Into.
My.

Heart...

These bonds aren't easily broken.
These bonds aren't easily forgotten.

To the one who said, "I'll never give up on you."

To the one who was present in my darkest hour.

To the ones who've held me as a sobbed, for countless reasons, hurts, pains, wounds, losses.

Straight. Into. My Heart. is where you will go, is where you will always be.

These bonds, our heart grows them, rebuilds them, destroys them.

Sometimes they are severed by our choosing or fate's hand.

By selfishness or loss. Or to break unhealthy bonds for our good.

Invisible Strings, connecting these hearts.
Countless memories of dear loved ones.
They tug and pull.
Bring you close and let you part.
Tugs on your heart, tells of something greater:

Love. Affection. Hope. Care.

Questions.

2010-05-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

We have so many of them.
Distance, I feel it.
I don't get it.
I want what I want and that isn't always what should be.
I do what I know I shouldn't, what I don't want to.
I am a walking contradiction.
At least I know I am loved.
thank God for his faithfulness.
because he knows how unfaithful I am.
so my question is,
when will I learn?

Come all who are weary, and find rest.

2010-04-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

I have become more and more keenly aware that we, people, are meant for something more.
We ache infinitely, at least I know I do, to cure a thirst that seems insatiable.
And so we search, we have our little indulgences, our sins, our hopes, and our dreams. Temporary substitutes that slates the thirst, for a time.
We ache for wrongs done to us and wrongs we have done unto others.
We ache for loss and we wrestle with goodness.
Our hearts and minds our easily deceived into the lie that we are alone, not loved, forgotten.

But there is a God who gives a living water, in which some day, in eternal bliss, we will never thirst again.
A God who teaches us to seek forgiveness from him, and to forgive others.
And He readily forgives, with arms wide open, with loving Grace.
Change takes root in our lives.
We live in a world where heartache, suffering, and loss is inevitable, which ever way you’ve suffered it;
it is here, prevalent. None of us can deny.
And we have a God who wept at the death of his friend Lazarus.
A God who will reconcile us to Him, the creation to the creator, through His Son Jesus.
Because are created to enjoy Him.
We serve a God, who loves, loves, loves, infinitely more than we can imagine.
Who forgives the seemingly unforgivable- the rapist, the murderer, the thief.
Who loves us even when you don’t love ourselves.
This is the God of the gospels, the compassionate conqueror Jesus.
Compassionate for us, a Conqueror of death.
The God that will one day dry all our tears and mend every broken piece,
every tainted part of our souls.
The God who instills in every believer the Holy Spirit-the Great Comforter.
The God who loves, who cares, who rejoices.
The Jesus who loves his children, his child,

You.

Come to know and love the Savior King.

Why are you crying?

2010-04-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

In a foreign land, another country, Lila resides, few friends she has, she lives in an apartment. And so the story goes....

She walked through the door into the lobby, not caring all to much who would see her. Her makeup ran down her face, mascara smudged, nose red, she had been crying. She approached the elevator, arms crossed, covering herself. All she wanted was to go back to the solitude and safety of her bedroom and cry. The elevator bell rang, the doors began to open, she looked down not wanting to see who was there, trying to be as detached, unnoticed as possible.

And then his voice, “Lila,” she knew that voice, his inflection was that of question and concern. He knew something was wrong, it wasn’t difficult to tell, and he knew her too. She looked up timidly; “Hi” was all she said in a sad and meek voice. “What’s going on?” he asked. She only managed to shake her head, tears began to fill her eyes again, why was he here now, why of all people who lived here would it be him. “I don’t know what to say,” were the words she could form on her lips. And the tears began to fall, she fought hard trying to keep them in. There was no use, though, she was crying now.

She wanted a hug, someone to console her, but he wasn’t the right one, at least he couldn’t be. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?” He was more concerned now than before, his tone said that. “Because today has been a horrible day,” was all she said. By this time he stood awkwardly in front of her not knowing how to console her but realizing he wanted to. He cared for her, deeply; sometimes so much he failed to realize it, he also neglected it. He did this not wanting to acknowledge the true cries of his buried heart, but in this moment as he saw her weak, hurting, in pain, that heart of his was softened, like play-doe, and it began to take different form. “ Do you want to talk about it?” She knew he was being kind, trying to figure her out, but he wasn’t helping. She needed him to just hold her, console her, tell her everything would be all right. She needed him just as he was, but he failed to realize it.

Still crying but finding composure, she only said, “I need someone to hold me," with that she walked into the elevator, pressed 2nd floor and waited for the doors to close. He stuck his hand in, stopped them from closing, looking at her intently, “That’s all? That’s all you’re going to say?” He was angry and worried. And she broke tears flooded her eyes once again. She said forcefully, “Even if that wasn’t all I wanted to say, I couldn’t tell you anyways not because I don’t want to but because you’re not the right person to tell.” He was baffled trying to make sense of what was happening, trying to put puzzle-pieces of her life together to make a picture, trying to figure out what was going on. “What does that even mean?” She was more hurt now that before, “I don’t know. Just sometimes at the end of the day, I need someone to hold me, tell me it’ll be okay, that they’re here for me. But maybe it's all selfish needs?" she said. With that she pressed elevator button to second floor, ”But I am here for you” her head downcast as he said this, still not understanding her heart. But just before the door closed, she peered at him and said, quietly, “Someday you’ll know.”

Ever After.

2010-04-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie of all time. I love it. Some of you may agree to disagree, I'm not saying it's the best, only my favorite. I really cannot convey to you how much I love this movie. I mean I really really LOVE it.... well....okay love is a strong word, maybe REALLY REALLY enjoy it, captured, inspired, encouraged, reminded, spoken to, through this one movie. (I've liked this movie since it was released, 8 years of age, I'm 20 now, and it never gets old.)

Danielle-Drew Barrymore's character- is beautiful. I love her conviction, her belief, how she clings to it, holds to it in the face of adversary. I love her passion, her love for literature, her humble servant status, her strength and her heart. She radiates with conviction and challenges others. She is different, set apart, one of a kind, and unique. In so many ways, I desire to be like this. I suppose that this is why the movie speaks to me, moves me, reminds my dear heart of who I am. Her passion, her conviction, her beauty, is all I long to have in my relationship with Jesus.

Her status here on earth is to serve and the prince is captured by her. Yes, there are some bumps in the road, and he does finally take her as she is. Though this prince isn't perfect, in essence, our perfect Prince of Peace does that for us. He meets us right where we're at, accepts us for who we are, in our sinfulness. And at the end of film she is royalty, his wife, clothed in beautiful robes, she radiates even more. And is that not us, Christ's bride?

And I love that she captures the prince's heart, he is astounded by her passion, her feisty-ness, her conviction. She keeps to it, is steadfast, and he is mesmerized. It's beautiful, refreshing, different.

And the best part is that this Prince has already captured my heart, out of love, I so desire to capture His, to please Him, and glorify Him.I guess it's a mutual thing. : )

There are so many more timeless parallels found in Ever After. But as of now, in my sleepy state, these are all that come to mind.

So I shall leave you with some verses....

Psalm 45:10-15

"Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what I say.
Forget your people and your family far away.
For your royal husband delights in your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.
The princess of Tyre[c] will shower you with gifts.
The wealthy will beg your favor.
The bride, a princess, looks glorious
in her golden gown.
In her beautiful robes, she is led to the king,
accompanied by her bridesmaids.
What a joyful and enthusiastic procession
as they enter the king’s palace!"

From one woman's heart to another, You are beautiful, and our King, our Prince, our First Love desires you.

I don't

2010-04-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

like to admit that I am strangely exceptionally human.
And what I mean by that is simply I am sinner, apt to evil instead of good.
Apt to speak out of anger, instead of love.
Apt to hold to bitterness, instead of forgive.
Apt to live out of selfishness, instead of selflessness.
And here in my human-ness, I am humbled.
It is here, in my lowliest of lows, I recognize my wretchedness.
I am not the stereotypical "goodie-too-shoe" Christian.
I do, however, desire to be more like Jesus.
To be more pure, to love always, to be in relationship with my Heavenly Father.
And as I live I realize the basis and foundation for living is solely found in my relationship with God the Father.
There are a lot of things that don't make sense to me about my faith, things within the Bible, questions I carry, things I long to be reconciled, contradictions that seem illogical, but in this realization I also realize something else. Though there are things that don't make sense to me, that leave me living by faith and not by sight, I realize even more so, living without knowing my Heavenly Father is even more difficult to grasp- literally impossible.

This world grows dim and makes no sense without my relationship with God. My worldview, my perception, my lifestyle, is all based upon the belief of knowing an all loving, forgiving, beautiful God-worthy of worship when everything else is crap.

This faith offers me an everlasting hope,
an everlasting love.
an everlasting joy,
an everlasting peace.
Without this, I am lost.

Ireland.

2010-04-06T16:20:00.001-07:00

I miss the chill in my bones
your cold air would bring.
I miss the early morning walks
to coffee shops
and trains.
I miss praying at all hours of the day.
playing with children, laughing and laughing away.
I miss the flowers, we'll never get to see to bloom.
I miss accents, listening to you.
I miss being intentional,
pouring my life out to others- was all we could do.
Away you are, a different world of your own.
Shops closing early, the closeness of our family.
10 days to get away, was all it would take.
To realize this is what I could be doing ALL my days.
Ireland how I miss you.

To compare or not to compare....

2010-03-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

We all do it.
Comparing ourselves to one another.
It could be a physical feature, a personality characteristic,
a habit, a talent. Whatever it may be, we've compared ourselves.

The more I fall into this habit, the more I recognize how it affects me,
the more I realize just how far from God a habit such as comparing ourselves is.

My story may different that yours but I will share it none the less.

I suppose that there are one of two things that happen when you compare yourselves to others.
Either you feel less worthy, not as good, bad about yourself-self-pity.
Or you feel overly "good", puffed up, somehow thinking that you are better than others-pride.

My struggle falls in the first one- self pity.
From this spans a horrible plethora of self- issues.
Self-loathing, self- confidence, the state of being self-consumed, self-hatred.

Sin.

I've honestly been doing this comparing myself to others act for quite some time- let's say easily over 5 years.
I remember the lowest point was my freshman year of high school. Since then it's been an up and down struggle. Often ignoring the issues at hand or just allowing myself to be consumed in the sin that it is.

Somehow I've used others as means of measuring myself, my worth, my value, my beauty- mainly my beauty. In the midst of the comparing game I've always seen others better than myself, always recognizing the areas I lack in, whether it be "I am not pretty enough" or "not as pretty as her" or "not quite as fun or outgoing as that person." You name it, I've probably done it.

And in the storm of this horrible habit, God has been steadily breaking through and rebuking me, and the process, which I'm guessing will be a long one, maybe a process that never ends; I am very slowly beginning to be transformed.

The truth of the matter is that I am created as an image bearer of God. Not only so, but I am also wonderfully made. And to top this all off God formed and knit me in my mother's womb. Basically, I am intricately made the way I am on purpose- not a mistake. And every time I question or rather degrade myself I in turn degrade that creation that God made- me.

This will most definitely be a long, bumpy road. But thank God that God works through the messes and the storms.
And the truth will always prevail, in this life or the next.

You are...

2010-03-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

I come home, weary.
Tired, worn from the demands of the day.
I come home seeking refuge.
calm from the storms
that linger on the bay.
I come home seeking peace,
seeking comfort, seeking hope.
I come here looking for you.

And I open the doors, the stale air invites me.
Where are you?
My king.
As I open the doors, I listen for you.
Moving about in this temporary home.

And I walk inside, still waiting,
eagerly waiting for you.
M heart is anxious,
where are you?

And as I begin to loose faith
that you are still here with me.
You come, your presence overwhelming.

And I find that you are everything.

You are everything.

Home.

2010-03-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

"Sure we enjoy the day to day happiness' of family life, a house, great kids, but beneath the exterior there are cracks, resentments that threaten the very foundation of our lives.

Busy.

2010-03-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

My head down,
I am sitting.
My hands moving as I write.
I am busy, so busy with life.
Rest is a long neglected friend.
Aches in my back.
Aches in my soul.

I am thirsty, so thirsty for you.
And here you come,
in the mundane tasks, in the business.
You are here with me in the midst of it all.

You touch my hair,
the curls you created.
And I look up at you,
surprised, to see that you are here with me.

I stare not knowing what to say,
but realizing I have been consumed.
And here you are with me
ever so gently beckoning my heart to you.

A clear mind,
a settled heart,
a rested body
all the things I need.
Here you are administering your love to me.

And I am lost in all you are.
Beautiful Love, my eyes follow you.
You are my maker.
You are my friend.
You are my purpose for living.
You are my everything.

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Stranger.

2010-03-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

There are people everywhere.
Hurrying, bustling along.
Where are their hearts today?
In a person? In a task? In a dream?
There are people everywhere.
Moving Slowly, not knowing what to do.
And I walk in this wilderness.
A place I do not know. A sea of faces.
My heart is frantic, worried, everywhere.
My heart is lost in a person, a task, a dream.
So many places it seeks to find solitude.
Searches, Searches.
But none shall do, none ever do.

And as I walk, walk without destination,
with aches in my feet and holes in my heart.
My head downcast, sorrow is my friend.

And as I find the hope to lift my head,
searching for someone I know,
my heart stops, it begins to race, I stop walking
I see you.

There are you. A long ways off...

My heart rests, my soul finds peace.
My spirit lifts and my heart soars.

And I walk slowly to you, afraid to approach
but knowing you are the key.

My solitude. My resting pace.
The lover of my soul there
calling me to him.

And I know, oh my soul knows,
I smile, still approaching and
I fall for you, yes, my heart falls
as I see you your familiar face.
No longer a sea of faces
because there is you, my Jesus.

Standing there, loving me
and I am stunned.

We finally meet.
A hug, you hold me, as we longly embrace.
Your hand to my face, as you look in my eyes.
Tears fill your eyes as they fill mine.

I've been needing you all along.
But you already know, you've already known.
My hand finds yours, I feel your scars.
And I grow weak, the depth of your love,
I will never know.
But I am safe, I am protected by your love.

"Come, walk with me." is all you say, so I follow,
and we go.

I have found the lover of my soul.
I was lost but I am found.
My Jesus, my sweet love.

Baby.

2010-03-08T23:33:00.001-08:00

Baby, you need some sleep.
I know you’ve been staying up late
Spending all your energy
Thinking. Thinking. thinking.
I know you’re contemplating
the questions that weigh heavily on your mind.
Come near me, I’ll hold you if you need to cry.
Place your head upon me, time to get your rest.
I’ll take this burden on my shoulders.
I’ll take this heavy burden from you.
A light load is what you need, don’t you see?
I’m here, loving you, but you don’t know.
Still I say, rest your tired head on me.
Hold my hand, I find comfort just having you here.
Broken.

I need you.

I’m ready now.

You make me wanna sing...

2010-03-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

Oh but what I need is Protection.

My heart needs understanding.

Understanding guards.

Guard your heart above all else for it is the well spring of life.

Living.

2010-02-28T22:48:00.001-08:00

Being found, requires being lost.
Having a new life, requires death to old.

The Kingdom.
The Glory.
For Love.

If you don't live for the Kingdom, His Glory, By His love, and for Love because God is Love.

You are dead.

Living for Christ requires your ALL.

Surrender you're useless weapons, lay down your life.

New Life shall come and you will be found.

I am 20.

2010-02-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

I waved goodbye to my teenage years, two days ago. It's a bit bizarre, not that I'm twenty years of age, but rather how quickly time flies. I still remember by tenth birthday, I'll never forget my uncle looking at me and saying, "You're in double digits now." I think that was the first time I felt "old." Nonetheless another decade has floated on by and here I am, wading in my twenties.
And in this past decade so many things have happened:
Monumental things( at least in my minds eye) have happened. There are so many to list, so many to recount.

In the past 10 years, I accepted Christ as my Savior, entered into a committed relationship with him. 6 years and counting.
In the past 10 years, I have learned to drive, own my car, in part with my father, voted in the 2008 elections.
In the past 10 years, I have experienced the love of a boy, and experienced a case of severe heartache, a growing experience I would not trade.
In the past 10 years, I have entered high school, survived, graduated, and now in the process of completing my second semester sophomore year of college.
In the past 10 years, I have endured the terrors of watching a loved one, my mother, battle cancer.
In the past 10 years, I have endured puberty, horrible puberty, and the awkwardness of it all.
But grateful that I am slowing but surely becoming a woman- a woman of God.: )
In the past 10 years, I have travelled to Europe twice and plan to go back soon-Ireland, next month for missions. Joy!

And there are many many more things to tell of but the above I feel are most important to mention. Experiences and struggles I hold closest to my heart. Rites of passage I have happily embraced.

Now I can only wait, embrace, and endure what lies ahead.
My prayer and hope will stay remain:
That I continue to press onward towards the heavenly prize awaiting in Christ Jesus our Lord.
That I may be an instrument of his love, a tool to build His kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
That I may continue to grow closer and in love with my Savior, letting go of what most hinders me.

hello twenties,
how pleased I am to meet you.

The Evil

2010-01-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

So is this what I’m up against?
Something so powerful, nothing I can do on my own.
No way I could defeat this, without you.
Now more than ever I understand.
Make me strong in ALL my weaknesses.
For your Grace is Sufficient.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
You may silence me. And I may fail.
I may sin. I may fall, like so many times past.
But no matter what I’ll keep running back.
To Where I belong. And with you, I am okay.
With you, you’ll take me in.
I am a wayward child.
I am a prodigal son.
I am the one sheep of many.
I walk away.
Over and Over again.
Who will save me from myself?
Who will Save?
For I am not my own, I was bought.
My Savior Jesus is who I need.
He is the one who will set me free.

Child.

2010-01-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

You are a child of the Most High God, His beloved child, loved and pursued by your heavenly King. No matter what circumstance you may one day face, even in a time where you feel abandoned by God himself; rest assured that the Lord will always provide, He will always be there, will never ever leave you, and will always be in pursuit of your heart.

So don’t loose heart, dear one, for difficult seasons will come, but God is bigger than anything and everything you can ever possibly face. "Take heart, dear one, for in this world you will face sorrows of many kinds, but peace be yours for I have overcome it all." Never loose sight of who you are, your humble beginnings, remember where you’ve come from, and don’t forget how much God has transformed you. And no matter what may pass, your Father is waiting with open arms and an eager heart for you to come home. Remember the kingdom is in you, dear one.

Fear.

2009-12-30T02:24:00.001-08:00

You lie awake in your heartache.
Somehow you forgot the story does not end here.
I know it seems hopeless
When you’re consumed with fear.
But my love, what will it take you to see,
That I am a love you’ll always need?
A love that lasts from everlasting to everlasting.

I know it’s hard not to ache,
When so much seems at stake.
To say goodbye to the ones you love.
Oh but don’t you know it’s our fate.
One none can escape.
Keep lying awake in your fear or
Rest and know I am here.
I am here.

Sometimes life takes turns;
Un-expectantly.
You may be consumed in your fear;
But that’s not the Spirit I gave.
I tell you, “Rise you daughters, And stand ye sons. Claim the victory I have won.”
Many sufferings you will endure, but none can compare
To surpassing glory you will receive.

Hold tightly to me. Cling and never let go.
For the hands that created the universe
are the hands you may reach out and hold.
Mightier and greater that you could ever believe.
Yes that’s Me.

I hold you all the days of your life; and surely I never leave.
Devastations may come, your heart may be ceased- trampled and wounded.
Inflictions and diseases may betray your body, your soul.
But hold tight for I am here; and I never leave.
I never let go.

Christians

2009-12-20T15:22:00.001-08:00

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Christians
By Maya Angelou

Something More.

2009-12-11T21:46:00.000-08:00

What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing
Would the song stil survive without 5 golden rings
Would you still wanna kiss without mistletoe
What would happen if God never let it snow
What would happen if Christmas Carols told a lie
Tell me what you would find?

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

What if angels did not pay attention to
All the things that we wish they would always do
What if happiness came in a cardboard box
Then I'd think there was somethingwe all forgot
What would happenif presents all went away
Tell me what would you find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

We get so caught up in all of it
Business and relationships
100 mile an hour lives
And it's this time of year
And everybody's here
It seems the last thing on your mind

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy and not superficial
So here's to jesus christ who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something
Christmas must be something
Christmas must be something more
There's gotta be more
There's gotta be more

-Taylor Swift

A Woman's Question

2009-12-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life---
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With a reckless dash of boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way."
by Lena Lathrop – taken from Joshua Harris’ book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”

Love

2009-12-01T01:32:00.001-08:00

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

-- C.S. Lewis

Faithful.

2009-11-29T23:17:00.001-08:00

My heart explodes with a joy, a peace, a calm. I cannot explain.
It comes not from my own goodness, but from the the hand of God.
I can't explain this except as pure excitement for you, Lord.

I rejoice in who You are.
Faithful and True, Yes, that's You.
You are everything I've been looking for.
You are that Faithful Love, You never leave.
You are by my side. Even when I sleep.
Who else do I have?
Who else could I need?
If I have a faithful love, my Saviour King.

And when I turn my head.
And I stop listening.
When I do everything that
goes against what I believe.
You're there for me.
Yes, you're there for me.

Reaching for my hand.
Pouring out your mercy.
There you are, loving me.
When I don't love you.
Faithful love, you're everything
I've been looking for.

Guilt.

2009-11-23T02:25:00.000-08:00

I am living a lie.
I hold to nothing.
I am a law unto myself.
There is no right or wrong.
If so, I decide for myself.
I subscribe to relative truth.
I deem what is good and right and worthy.
There are no universal truths, no rights or wrongs.
No Absolutes.
We decide for ourselves.
I decide for myself.
I do what I want.
And I am lost.
There is no fence in this vacuous space of darkness.
No one to tell me what is right or wrong.
I decide for myself.
I am my own law, my own truth, my own goodness.
There is nothing else.

"I feel different today. And I don’t know if I can explain it.
Undoubtedly it expands from the possibility of guilt. Being guilty, or even feeling guilty, is not pleasant, of course, but the mere suggestion of it seems to weaken another nagging emotional companion of mine:
Despair.
Now that I feel guilty, I don’t feel much despair.
An all out plunge into humanism and its total lack of absolutes can leave you groping for fences, wondering where you are, wishing you knew something for sure.
Now that is Despair.
Then suddenly guilt- well the possibility of guilt- has come upon the scene. And I find myself playing with the thought that I might be standing in the wrong, which means there might be a standard to be violated, which means there might be something out there I can know for sure.
So I guess I said all this to say: If I really can be guilty, if I really am guilty, then at least I know where I stand. I found a fence, a boundary, and just the thought of that dispels the old cloud of despair, so much that I’ve noticed."

A [somewhat reworded] excerpt from Piercing the Darkness.

All this to say, that I do not live the way I live, hold fast to such convictions, or choose to resist certain things
due to my own choosing of right or wrong.
I willingly have chosen to live a life of standards that are not my own.
I firmly believe such living is truth.
Truth that is not truth just for me, but for everyone.
I live as I do, not by my own power or strength but by the grace of God.

I have Found.

2009-11-19T00:03:00.000-08:00

I’ve found what most spend there lives searching for
I’ve found a faithful love, who gives me more love
Than I could ever bring.
I can rest in your peace, find your joy in your love.
For you are with me and you, my Love, never leave.
You are there when I fall, you make me strong when I am weak.
You are there in the morning, you are there in the evening,
You are there when I am silent, You are there when I call
You by name.
What a faithful love I know, what a faithful love I have.
No greater love could I ever know.
I will remain captured for as long as I live,
Promise me you never leave.
Promise me you will never go.
I need you, oh yes I need you.
I am nothing. Absolutely nothing without you.
My life would make no sense.
My heart would be in ruins
If you left, Oh, if you left.
But You will never leave
Because I have found what most spend their lives
Looking for. My faithful Love, how beautiful you are.
And I know, oh I know, we’re bound for some stormy seas ahead.
And I know, oh I know, sometimes it’s You I’ll question
I may stray, believing I’m okay
Without you. But that’s a lie because you are my life.
You are what I need. So don’t leave, Please don’t ever leave me my Love.
Be faithful just as I need you to be. Be faithful, my Love.

I am Forgotten

2009-11-12T17:05:00.001-08:00

I am the silent one.
I am the forgotten one.
Soon my time will come.
I am in this place:
It’s heaven‘s waiting room.
I’m never treated the way I should be.
I was hit, I was neglected.
I am the one with no voice.
I am unseen.
This young generation speaks of rising as a voice of unity.
This generation speaks of giving help to the orphaned and the widowed.
This generation speaks of destroying injustices.
Bringing hope to the hopeless.
But no help comes when I struck by the hand of a stranger.
No one comes,
Because I am the forgotten.
I am the neglected. And No one cares to see.
I am here in heaven’s waiting room.
Ready to go when my time ends and the call is gone.
But will someone come, show me they care?
Will anyone care to see past the wrinkles and my frail frame?
That I have a soul and heart that is my own, just as you.
I am the silent one.
I am the forgotten.
I am here still.

Elder Abuse is very alive. Yet another injustice in need of our aid.
Be a Voice to the Voiceless. Who of you will go?

These are a Few of my Favorite Things....

2009-11-11T16:38:00.001-08:00

my favorite things..

The sound of rain on your windowpane
Feeling completely safe
Having peaceful slumber
Smelling cookies baking in the oven
The warm sun when you're freezing cold
My room when its clean
Holding hands
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurts and you can't breathe
Deep conversations that lead you to conclusions about yourself, about God, about others, about life.
Feeling completely loved, needed & wanted
Long walks with loved ones
Singing your own songs
Making my own decisions with my only correspondence being God
The ocean
Sunsets and Sunrises
Choosing to not letting other people's actions diminish my character
Sleeping in my Nina's bed- It’s heaven
People that make you want to be better, that encourage you, inspire you.
Choosing not to compromise between what you know is right and wrong.
People who urge you to do what is right in the midst of wanting to do what is wrong.
Contentment
True, real, loving friends
My puppies
Long hugs
Being Held
Musicals
Music
Songs that speak to you
Movies that make you cry
The exhilaration of being made new
Broadway plays
Cuddling, snuggling, spooning…it all goes
Unexpected surprises-whether it be gifts from friends or family or something bizarre happens you believed never could or never would
Sitting and just talking to God
Feeling humble but also powerful and purposeful
Self-determination
Love stories- beautiful, real, raw love stories
Dancing (in the rain)
Warm clothes out of the dryer and lying on top of my warm, clean clothes
Accomplishment
Dancing- it is so beautiful, so freeing, so wonderful and exhilarating
Kisses-sweet ones
Love songs that tell a story
Day Dreams
The laughter I partake in with my crazy family.
Smiles- heartfelt ones
Butterflies in your tummy- the kind that make you feel as though you’re 5.
Love is my favorite. Without Love, there is nothing.
Writing, what I want to write; not what I’m told to write
Playing guitar even if I’m not good at it.
But I have to say, I enjoy watching others play guitar (or piano) more than me playing.
Writing letters and never sending them
Secrets- secret hopes, wishes, dreams-things never told
Redemption
Seeing the hand of God working in my life, around me and in others
The Holy Spirit’s workings, stirrings, leading.

2009-11-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

So this is the beautiful breakdown;
The beginning of the end.

Oh, this is hopeless.
But I’m not taking this in my hands.
I can’t, no, I can’t.
Whatever this is, whatever it may be.
I entrust this to you.
It’s a beautiful breakdown;
Because I can’t hold on anymore.
You’ve stripped me of all,
Everything I’ve held on too.
I hold nothing,
And I can only give what I have: my life.
Myself.
That is all there is.

2009-11-08T20:47:00.001-08:00

Not Me.

Am I little crazy, maybe I’ve gone insane.
Can’t seem to figure out, if we’re meant to be this way.
And I keep tip-toeing back and forth trying to figure out the answers
But I’m at loss, not good at reading signs, so I’ll keep praying
Maybe one day something we’ll make sense and things will be okay

And just help me to remember, help me to remember
It’s not about me.
And just help me to remember, it’s time to let go.
Not all to sure if I’m just digging a giant hole.
So fill up this space with your hope.
And just help me to remember it’s
Probably not me.

And I could see, that it fits so well with my life,
What I want by my side.
So I keep tiptoeing back and forth trying to figure out these answers
To the all the questions weighing heavy on my heart.
Who knows if we’ll have a new beginning, a fresh new start?
Who knows?

And just help me to remember, help me to remember
It’s not about me.
And just help me to remember, it’s time to let go.
Not all to sure if I’m just digging a giant hole.
So fill up this space with your hope.
And just help me to remember it’s
Probably not me.

And so tonight I’ll lay myself down, thinking about you.
It’s not good for me, but this is what I do.
To keep my dream alive.

And just help me to remember, help me to remember
It’s not about me.
And just help me to remember, it’s time to let go.
Not all to sure if I’m just digging a giant hole.
So fill up this space with your hope.
And just help me to remember it’s
Probably not me.
No matter how hard I try, it just may be:
That this time it is not me.

2009-11-07T22:56:00.001-08:00

You cry; I see the hurt inside.
You want someone to see;
To look over you and find beauty.
Oh, you’ve been struggling for a while,
Hiding out in the dark.
Come out into the light, my child
And it’s okay if we see
A stained heart that’s crimson red
I will wash you clean.
Find Hope, find rest in Me.
I’ll sing over you; silently putting you to sleep.

Today you find yourself dragging,
Wondering what it all means.
Where are the answers to your prayers.
Have you forgotten about Me?

2009-11-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

Let’s take off that mask
And that well built wall.
I know who you are.
I know who you are.

I see you forever,
Nothing has changed.
There is no shame,
If you cry out my name.

Don’t hide in the dark,
Come into the light
Let it shine through.
Know you are Loved
There is nothing you can do.

Love can never change.
Never go away.

The Cross

2009-11-06T00:28:00.001-08:00

This isn’t the easy way out.
I’ve taken the hard narrow road.
It’s a difficult journey of sorrow and hope.
So many losses and breaks of the heart.
I’m enduring this only because you lived before.

Without the cross, I would be a wretched fool.
Without the cross, I wouldn’t have true life.
Without the cross, I would be lost.
And it seems, I’ll be doing a lot of suffering while I’m here.

This isn’t an easy journey, but I’m holding steadfast to you.
Because you are ever-lasting and my truth.
Many tears will be shed but I only do this
For the glory of You. It’s because I love you
I’m willing to follow you and obey.

Without the cross, I would be a wretched fool.
Without, the cross, I wouldn’t have true life.
Without the cross, I would be lost.
And it seems, I’ll be doing a lot of suffering while I’m here.

But it’s all for you, it’s all for you.
Because you’re worth it, you’re worth it.

Reason and Rhyme

2009-11-04T17:23:00.000-08:00

There is reason and rhyme to
why I am who I am,
why I struggle with what I struggle with.
Why I do what I do.
Why I am convicted so strongly in the things I am.

Yes, the past is the past.
But what I have learned, experienced, observed, and dealt with,
still affect me as I am today.
Affects my decisions, my heart, my relationships, my struggles, my convictions. Everything.

If I didn't have the past I had,
I would not be where I am today, who I am today.
My past uniquely makes me who I am today because I carry a story, unique to me, to who I am.

And though many things of my past are difficult to speak of, painful and shameful.
I still stand in the truth that I have been made new, cleaned, and transformed in the light of Christ.
And that is my portion, my peace. This is what I rejoice in.

Romance is the Color Yellow

2009-10-22T00:06:00.001-07:00

So it's been a while since I've written a blog.

I'm going to be very honest, so bear with me.

Like all girls, or people can agree, we all get insecure.

It is my achilles heel to compare myself to people and wonder such things as: "Why I'm not pretty like her? " "Why don't I look like that?" blah.blah.blah.

In all honesty, I know it's a an open deep pit to fall into if/when I start comparing myself to other girls because it's a precursor to the Enemy feeding lies about myself such as: "You are not beautiful." "You don't have much to offer." "You are alone." Some among many Evil Lies that I am often fed.

It's kind of as follows:

Eowyn: Leave me alone, snake!

Wormtongue: Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? So fair, yet so cold like a morning of pale Spring still clinging to Winter's chill.

Eowyn: Your words are poison!

[Thank you Lord of the Rings... : ) ]

And I have to remember that, Satan's words are poison. But sometimes they can seem so true. It's a battle in every sense of the word, to not give into the lies of the enemy.

So with this said. The past few days I've been struggling with this, as I have so often time before. Last night in the midst of me feeling really insecure a group of friends and I went to the beach to watch a Meteor Shower, I saw some spectacular stars flash across the heavens; the few I did see were absolutely beautiful.

Yesterday I also went to my first one on one guitar lesson; my fantastic teacher asked if I knew “Yellow” by Coldplay; I replied saying. “Yes,” only remembering the melody vaguely.

Today as I wrestled more with as a result; I wrote this poem:

The World Screams

Be thinner

Be smarter

Clearer Skin

More Perfect Face

No imperfections

Be perfect

Be Perfect

And at the end of the day, I just want to scream back

I can’t

I am who I am

I cannot change who I am

For you

I was made this way for a purpose and a reason.

So I will find rest in you Father, I will find Comfort In you

I am in you, Father, and I am made beautiful in you.

So let your Light Shine, Yaweh, Show me you Kingdom.

Prune my thoughts; because it’s not about me.

Show me I’m beautiful. Somehow, someway…

Show me I am beautiful. I need to know Father

Show me And I’m only beautiful if You are shining through.

Shine through me, Father, you live in me,

So Shine on through with your beauty.

It was a plea, a prayer, a question and my heart simply wanted to know “Am I beautiful?”

Back to Coldplay, So I have been wanting to practice Yellow on the guitar, but haven’t been able to because one of my strings broke. It’s kind of been on my mind, maybe even on my heart to actually listen to the song, learn the lyrics. But I’ve been busy with other things. So today my roommate started to sing and I asked, “Are you singing Yellow?” “Yes” she said. I kept talking, “Well that’s weird I’ve been wanting to listen to it but haven’t; I have a weird feeling like God maybe wants to talk to me through it.” “Okay then let’s listen to it” She said already knowing that I had been dealing with my insecurities.

I sat down, and listened and read these lyrics:

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along

I wrote a song for you

And all the things you do

And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn

Oh all the things I've done

And it was all yellow

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

D'you know you know I love you so

You know I love you so

I swam across

I jumped across for you

Oh all the things you do

Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line

I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do

And it was all yellow

Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

D'you know for you i bleed myself dry

For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you

look how they shine for you

look how they shine

look at the stars look how they shine for you

I cried when I heard, “I bleed myself dry for you.”

I cried when I realized I went to go watch shooting stars last night.

I cried when I realized that I am loved.

I cried when I realized that I am beautiful.

The timing was too peculiar, and the song too perfect not to be from anyone else than the Keeper of our Souls.

There is nothing quite like being romanced by the King of the universe and trust me; He does a mighty fine Job.

The Darkness

2009-10-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

The darkness

The darkness made me sick, dirty, ashamed.

The darkness made me disgusted with myself.

O, how sick and twisted could the devil be?

When he came and tempted me.

For years I was hiding out in the dark.

For years I felt, O, so filthy.

My body felt sick and my heart could taste the sin.

O, but Jesus came and washed me clean.

O, yes Jesus came and washed me clean.

He gave me light into my soul,

He gave me a new name,

He came and washed me as white as snow.

O, my lovely Jesus what a beautiful difference you make.

I can feel you living inside of me, Shame is no longer here

Because your blood is enough to wash it all away.

O, my lovely Jesus what a beautiful difference you make.

1 February 2009-Sunday

Give&Take

2009-10-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

You met me at peculiar time.

I was broken, you were kind.

So I bared my soul.

To many times I’ve sung before,

All about the Holy Lord,

How He gives and takes.

I was coming undone.

You took my heart,

Then began to run.

I know you never wanted to see me fall,

But you had to look back and

see me crawl.

It’s okay somehow; it had to be done.

Had it been done before,

I’d probably break.

But somehow it’s okay.

Because I loved you more.

That’s where we’re at today.

Sometimes we move at such a speed.

We walk to fast, and forget the need

To turn and follow our Lord.

Had we taken our time,

Not so many tears we would have cried.

But there was noting we could do.

So many times I’m sung before,

All about our Holy Lord

And how He gives and takes.

S.H.

2009-09-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

When I think of you all I can say is

She’s the type of girl with a gentle heart, she laughs and smiles through out her days.

She’s beautiful through and through, anyone can see it, if only they pass her way.

Makes me feel like I’m loved, though, I haven’t known her for long.

She’s writes beautiful poems, lyrics and songs.

I can say I’ve seen her at her best, and even at her worst.

I’m privileged to say, I’ve seen you shine and I’ve seen you cry.

Remember we nearly thought we were dead,

Running away from that man, snuck in to the hot tu instead.

Talked about anything and everything.

I told you “You have eyes like Jesus, you see the best in everyone.”

It was you who read that email first, the one my ex sent.

It was good closure; I cried and you said

“It’ll be alright.” We talked about how we love to write.

You came for my birthday breakfast in the caf, I felt so blessed.

You joined me in Hollywood Land; we bought cupcakes in Beverly Hills.

You were sweet, careful to approach me about that friend.

I remember when you were so hurt,

You cried in that empty room and all I could think

Is you reminded myself of me

a long time ago when my heart broke.

We both have hands that long to write and hearts that love.

Whatever comes of our friendship; I know I’m lucky cuz

I’ve met you, someone who I’ll always remember.

So let’s write our stories about our lives,

The pains we’ve endured,

The aches that we felt,

The tears that we’ve cried.

And somewhere on the pages written about my life,

I’ll write about a girl named Sarah,

Who blessed me in countless ways,

A friend when I was lonely,

Someone who made me laugh,

A shoulder to lean on, when life was bad.

Oh how lucky I am to have you, my friend.

For You

2009-09-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

I can hear you crying late at night.

They’re no use in denying, why even try?

You can try to pick up the pieces of your empty heart.

You wonder if he even cares,

trust me, I have been there

And inside all you do is ache…

Have I told you I see?

That your heart's wounded and bleeding.

I can try to tend to your wounds,

Close your eyes and I’ll pray for you.

Tell you it’s a long road of heartache

But somehow you’ll get through.

Have I told you I see?

That your heart’s wounded and bleeding.

Listen to my when I say,

I wish I could take your pain away.

But there’s no use,

when there’s so little I can do.

You have to reach your hands up above,

Pray for that holy dove,

To come with it’s peace and consume you.

Have I told you I see?

That your heart is wounded and bleeding.

Hold on beautiful,

somehow you’ll be made whole.

It takes a long time

But eventually you’ll see.

That fire in your heart, is your burning beauty.

Have I told you I see?

That your heart is wounded and bleeding.

And it’s his loss,

Should have treated you the way you deserve.

I know it’s hard to hear,

but he doesn’t determine your worth.

Have I told you I see?

That your heart is wounded and bleeding.

Hold on, dear one,

somehow you’ll make it through.

And when I tell you I see

That you’re heart is wounded and bleeding

What it is I really see

I see you, and I see me.

Because I’ve been there before,

And I lifted up my hands,

Prayed to the good Lord,

“Come rescue me.”

And He’ll do the same for you.

And one day your heart will stop to bleed.

Somehow you’ll make it through.

Have I told you I see?

That your heart’s aching, bleeding…

I call to You

2009-09-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

This is an explosive reminder,

Tell me what am I saying?

Do you remember that night,

Not too long ago, I needed you.

I needed you to take hold.

Because I was coming undone

And you seemed far away.

I needed to speak out loud,

I had to call out your name.

And I was so lost, I didn’t know what you could do.

So I took out my journal and a note fell from you.

“Real Life” is what You give and it is what I seek.

So I search for you, even though I’m weak.

Here You are, yes, You met me today.

Brought tears to my eyes, and joy on my face.

You’ve redeemed me and called me out from the sinful place.

You are the Hope that never dies.

You are my strength and portion in life.

My heart is consumed by the depth of your love.

I call out to you, my eyes fall on you like a dove.

No other place do I search, for there is nothing like your Love.

And I already know that I could try and try,

But you are the One who speaks and breathes Life.

My soul is satisfied by You.

My heart soars for You.

My hands reach for You.

My mind wants to know your Truth.

I will live for you, I live for you, No other life could do.

You are here, yes, You set me free.

Hell lost its chains it once held on me.

My soul, my life- a captive, now I am free.

Satan you hold no power over me.

I am child of the living God, and He has rescued me.

So take me, take me, as I am.

You are worthy, worthy is the Lamb.

A horrible boyfriend

2009-09-08T00:08:00.001-07:00

This is most relatable for girls. Guys keep reading if you would like to.

Picture it. Imagine it.

Here is the boy you’ve been crushing on for what seems like forever, and he finally admits it, right then and there, ”I like you.” And your heart soars, you’re thrilled, he likes me too! And then out of nowhere he looks at you and says, “Will you be my girlfriend?” You’re stunned, you think to yourself, ‘Did he really just say that?’ You want nothing else, this is what you want: him.

And so you agree, you want to be in a relationship with him, with this boy.

It starts off great; he’s sweet and kind, caring, and considerate of you. He tells you you’re beautiful, he adores you, pursues you. It’s a beautiful thing, because you too fall for him, you come to know his ways.

After some time though, he changes. And the change isn’t for the better.

He stops calling you to see how your days are going. He says he loves you, but all his actions paint a different picture. He’s disrespectful and selfish. He’s inconsiderate on how his actions are affecting you. He stops making an effort to spend time with you. In fact, he rarely spends time with you at all. You’re becoming less and less a priority to him. He stops pursuing you, he stops getting to know you, he stops working at your relationship. He stops trying.

You make the effort to call, see how he’s doing. But he’s distant and closed off. And you love him, so you wait. You call him, and you find him worthy or your pursuit.

Still he’s been acting like this for a while now and you begin to think to yourself, “This isn’t a relationship anymore. It’s a lopsided pursuit and I’m the only one trying.” You care for him so you inquire and continue to seek him out, “What’s wrong you ask?” “Nothing” he replies, “I’m quite alright.”

And then you ask, “Well what about us?” And he says, “What do you mean?” You reply truthfully, “Well you’ve been so far off and distant and you’ve changed, I don’t think what we have anymore could even be considered being ’in a relationship.’ ”

And he sits there contemplating whether or not what you say is true.

Isn’t that us?

At least I know that can be me.

How often do we forget to pursue our God? To seek Him, to make conscience effort to know Him more? How often do we pray to our Father in heaven? How often do we disobey His commands and live according to our own desires, rather than turn to Him?

If we claim we are “in a relationship” with God, yet make no effort to actually be in one; aren’t we just like that boyfriend?

Sometimes I get so distracted and caught up in my own life that I realize my relationship with God, really isn’t one at all. I don’t question my salvation. But I do wonder what it is exactly I’m sowing, what fruit I am reaping? I am a really living a life that is pleasing to Him?

And as our Savior pursues me, I find myself overjoyed and consumed by Him. That He would pursue me, fight for me! Leaves me captured by His love.

And He too pursues you; inquiring and calling you by name, beckoning you back to Him. And like a kind lover, He forgives you, and desires to continue on in your relationship.

Be encouraged and seek your God, learn more of His ways, live the life He desires you to live. Be in relationship with your Savior. Don’t ignore him, put Him off, or down on your list of priorities. He desires to be with You! So pray, read His word, find what promises He holds for you. And know that you will be in a relationship that can define you, make you whole, change you, inspire you, and challenge you.

And know, if nothing else, that this relationship is much different than the rest. Christ’s love for you is beautiful and good. And His love for you isn’t contingent based on ” how well you’re doing”. His love for you is timeless and endless. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can separate you from the love of God that is found in Christ Jesus our Lord. Live knowing you are His Beloved. Live in relationship with your God; because He desires you…yes I’m talking about you… J

The Prayer of my Heart

2009-08-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

May the words of my mouth
Please you dear God.
May the thoughts of my heart say to you
That all that I desire,
Is to be with you forever.
Lord I pray, I pray that you

Take me, Make me
Beautiful to you.
Create me so, I mirror you
Take me, Make me
An image of you.
'Cause Lord I want to mirror you.

Let the words of my mouth
Please you dear God.
May the thoughts of my heart be as yours
Cause all that I desire
Is to be here with you forever.
Lord I pray, I pray that you

Take me, Make me
Beautiful to you.
Create me so, I mirror you
Take me, Make me
An image of you.
Cause Lord I want to mirror you.

Break me out of my complacency
Breathe your breath of life into my soul
Into my soul.

May the words of my mouth please you.

Take me, Make me
Beautiful to you
Create me so, I mirror you
Take me, Make me
And image of you.
Cause Lord I want to mirror you.

Mirror- By Rebecca St. James

blind man

2009-08-22T23:27:00.000-07:00

tell me blind man, what do you see?

you've heard stories of redemption,

still you're scarce to believe.

you say you know the stories,

as you play them on guitar.

making music to the rhythm

of your steady beating heart.

you're a life full of stories,

trials and heartache.

As I've been here and witness

those stories of your life play.

blind man, what do you see?

as i sit here beside you.

do you hear the story of my beating heart

as it longs to speak truth?

I wish you knew the stories of redemption.

though you claim you do.

I wish you knew this Jesus.

I wish you knew the truth.

The Joy of my Life

2009-08-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

You God are beautiful, You are Great, Mighty, and Powerful.

Who heals hearts, restores and redeems?

Who makes all things possible?

Who makes all things new?

You are the joy of my life.

My sustainer, my comforter, my peace, my way, my truth, my light, my life.

I would be lost without you; bond by sin, destructive and alone.

But with You, everything changes.

With You, I am securely loved, fought for, pursued, held, comforted, healed, transformed, made new.

You are the joy of my life.

You make me capable, able, willing to love as You do.

You equip me, You prepare me, You guide me, You move me.

I am your clay, longing to be molded for Your purpose.

I am yours and You are mine.

Where would I be with out You?

I would cease to exist, lost in darkness.

But with You are with me.

You are my anchor, my stronghold, my solid ground.

Whom then shall I fear?

For years I was held captive to my sin.

But you broke me and set me free.

So where would I be without you?

Lost and consumed with fear.

I would know no love and

You would only be a passing thought, an idea.

But now You have consumed me,

destroyed all my prejudices, my pre-conceived ideas

of who You are.

You blew everything-that made me doubt, question and hate you-out of the water.

You came and showed me that you are Nothing like what the world believes and teaches of You.

How could I ever know?

Why did I ever believe that you weren't the way?

If I leave, where else shall I go?

Who else do I have you?

No one.

You are my life, my way, my truth.

And my heart will forever sing of how great You are.

Do we know?

2009-08-13T00:59:00.000-07:00

Do we know what it means to truly love?

I dare say we haven't a clue.

And if we do have an inkling;

it's a very small understanding of what love is.

Because when our love is compared to God's, unwavering and inseparable, Love;

it is truthfully pathetic.

One of the things God has rebuked over time and time again and taught me about this year has been- what Love is.

Now I don't claim to be expert on Love; but my desire to love- truly, unconditionally, deeply, genuinely, and dearly- has been heavily on my mind and heart. It's what I want to do regardless of others shortcomings, annoying habits, sins, - to love someone who's done wrong to you, to love unconditionally as our Father does.

And as I long to love unconditionally I also realize that I long to know what it is that weighs others down, worries them, confuses them, scares them. I long to get to matters of the heart-to delve into the deep, dark places most people hide. No matter the sin, the aches, the pains, I want to encourage, affirm, comfort, challenge, and rebuke, as the Holy Spirit guides me, my loved ones, my friends, my family. I want to be there for those who hurt, ache, question, search, and wonder. I long to be loved this way as well- to be rebuked, to be loved- because I too am the one who aches, who searches, who sins.

My heart longs to reach out to anyone and everyone in need. Which I know it humanly impossible, none the less, it is still what I long to do.

I want to love, to LOVE with all that I am.

I want to love you.

I want to love in the ways that seem impossible, difficult, crazy.

So I will love, regardless.

My heart's been singing...

2009-08-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

I cannot express this exploding joy pouring out from my heart. This morning I woke up with these song lyrics playing in my head, "And every power of darkness trembles at what they just heard, And every power of darkness can't drown out a single word." A lyric from Newboys' song "He Reigns."

This joy is exploding from my heart, I can't stop smiling, my stomach has butterflies, I am in awe of my God, He invaded my heart this summer with a joy I had long forgotten about, taking root while I was in Germany and remaining with me ever since.

Last year was an extremely difficult time for me, I was coping with multiple losses, a heartbreak, family issues, all the while trying to adjust to being on my own, making new friends, living a life as a college kid. I recall at one point of time going to a night worship service at my school, called Shine. Communally we worshipped, I forget the name of the song but we reached the lyrics "The joy of the Lord is our strength." And I couldn't sing it. I broke down instead and said, "Lord, how can I be strong if I know no joy?" I was broken, so utterly broken, I had never been so broken before. I remember thinking to myself, I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again? Will I feel joy again? Can I be joyful?

Now, this joy is here, it's impossible to express with words how awesome it is, because it's a joy from God. A joy that isn't contingent on how well my day is going, or what is going on in my life. It's a joy from God - simply rejoicing in what He's done and who He is.

He Reigns

2009-07-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

Abuse. Pain. Neglect. Hopelessness. Sorrow. Grief. Loss.

My life is a topsy-turvy world, filled with beautiful laughter and heart aching situations. Time and time again I am awaken to the reality of the world I currently reside in. It’s dark, here, hard to see, sometimes.

And often time, I am stuck in my bubble of a world where no one swears (or at least attempt to not swear) and laugh at the notion that God doesn’t exist. But as I’ve taken a few steps out of my world; the picture I see is much different. As I look around I see death, I see pain, I see abuse, I see grief and loss of faith. I see anger. I see ignorance. As I’ve walked around this new territory I’ve met people who laugh at my belief in God and think my love for Jesus is a hysterical mental illness.

So I ask where is God in the midst of all this darkness?

Where is He?

Where was God when the girl walking home from school was kidnapped, raped, and murdered for some twisted man’s pleasure?

Where was God when my friend’s mom died of cancer?

Where was God when a mother beat her child, almost to death?

Where was God when a young girl was sold into sex slavery? and now she’s trapped.

Where is God when children are starving and dying of Aids?

Where is God when your heartache is the only thing that accompanies you in your loneliness?

Where is God in any of this?

I wish I could come up with some formula that could make all these things better. But thankfully I don’t have too because the remedy is already here. It’s hard to believe that a loving God can exist when such horrendous thing are present, alive and active. But I stand firm in believing He does. God is real. God is true. And though such things do happen, God is still all-powerful. Some may take my claim as being arrogant. I’m okay with that, because maybe, just maybe, it is.

Some may ask: “If God really does exists, why doesn’t He just fix everything?”

My reply: My friend, I wish I had the answer to that question. I wish I could delve into the mind of God and comprehend with my finite mind the infinite knowledge and wisdom of the living God. I wish I could understand all His ways; but I don’t. I can’t.

Then I would tell them about Jesus.

The remedy is here. He has already come.

The living God changes all things; makes all things new. In Him, I am a new creation. You are (or can be) a new creation, a creation that does not live for self but for God.

The change we want to see in our broken world starts in us, in you in me.

And it is God who makes change possible.

It is God who transforms us to something beautifully new. It is God who transforms us to be like Him.

Hatred to Love.

Selfishness to Selflessness.

Apathy to Awareness.

Sorrow to Joy.

Impurity to Purity.

Brokenness to Wholeness.

I don’t have an answer for everything in this world. I can’t explain why such horrible things happen. But I do know that there is God who aches, just as we do, for a change. A God who cared so much that he made a change, an amazing grand change, possible, through his son Jesus.

Jesus asked, “Do you finally believe?...Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:31-33

It striking really that the God himself tells that this life is not going to be perfect, yet still regardless of whatever may come to pass; He has overcome it all.

Take heart, dear friend, wherever you find yourself today. Know that God has already overcome the world and all its pain, darkness, and hurt. He reigns and has victory over the evil always.